Just yesterday we received an email from a young woman facing a serious issue in her relationship of over 3 years. She posed a question that many young women ask themselves about relationships: How do you know when to follow your heart and when to follow your mind? She writes about her own experience;
“He recently came clean about an encounter he had when we were broken up. After about 4 months he sent me a long, heart felt letter describing how much he loved me and wanted to try things again. I agreed to come visit him. However, I found out when I got there that another girl had been to visit him only 3 weeks prior. When I asked him, he said she was with a friend for work and they stayed in a hotel and only hung out a few times. I decided to let it go and our relationship grew. However, I did have a gut feeling he wasn’t telling the whole truth, and asked him about it several times after and he stuck to his story. Over a year later I asked him one last time and he finally came clean that she had in fact come to visit him and stayed with him. I’m torn between the amount that our relationship has grown in the time since that happened and the fact that he has lied about it all this time. I love him very much, and had planned on marrying him, but now am confused as to whether I should move on with or without him. I have complete trust in his behavior since that time, but am still very hurt over his deception. How do you know when to follow your heart and when to follow your mind?”
This should come as no surprise when we say, GO WITH YOUR GUT! Those gut feelings are connected to your brain, your thoughts and reactions. When we choose to ignore those thoughts, we deny ourselves an honest, authentic life. Feelings of the heart (those intense romantic feelings) tend to slow down in intensity as our relationships enter into the next phases. The romantics of the world might argue differently-it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all….but if you end up falling in love with someone who you don’t trust, do you really think you will have the relationship you desire and deserve? Based on the hundreds of women we have spoken to, we think not! So what’s a girl to do?
1. Trust your gut (mind). It is much smarter than your heart!
2. Lying is a red flag. It might not be a deal breaker for you in your relationship but if you ignore the fact that your boyfriend/husband has lied to you it will ALWAYS show up again. How much lying are you willing to put up with? Remember, red flags now mean much bigger problems later.
3. Seek out the help of a professional. If this truly was a one time offense, at least try to explore the reasons why it became an issue to begin with. You don’t have to be in a serious crisis to fully take advantage of the benefits of counseling. If not counseling, talk to a spiritual director, mentor, etc. to help give you the tools you need as a couple to be able to have an honest relationship.
4. Finally, a message we heard from those we interviewed and continue to hear from our readers, when in doubt, DON”T! If you have even one doubt about whether or not to marry or for that matter even date someone, don’t do it. Every single person we spoke to who had similar doubts on their wedding day but walked down the aisle anyway, ended up miserable in their marriage and ultimately divorced. Don’t let that happen to you!
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