What a funeral can teach you about the kind of person you want to marry.

I went to two funerals in the past week. I have done a lot of crying.

The first funeral was for our school custodian. Mr. Ron died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. He was there one day and gone the next. He had worked at our school for 21 years and everyone loved him — the teachers, the parents, and the students. He was definitely a character — one of those people that make life interesting. Mr. Ron was bald and wore an earring. He was also full of stories. My friend Leslie described him as “…a cross between Mr. Clean and Gene-Gene-the-dancing-machine.” She was right on target.

His funeral was a sea of teary-eyed alumnae, parents, friends and family. The teachers were openly weeping. It was so sad. His death reminded us how much we appreciate — yet take for granted —the people who cross our paths everyday. Ron was funny and interested in what you had to say. You always walked away from him with a smile on your face.

The next funeral was for our dear friend Joe. He was our son’s Godfather and my husband’s mentor. In many ways, my husband and I feel like we have lost a father. He was just an awesome guy. To know him was to love him. He was a self-made success story without a snobby bone in his body. He was warm and loving and generous—and a whole lot of fun. Again, the church was packed with lifelong friends, neighbors, business associates and family. There was hardly a dry eye in the place. People came from across the country to bid him farewell.

The amazing Anglican priest summed up the homily at Joe’s funeral by reminding us that “…in the end, all that’s left is the love.” That is so true. No matter what your beliefs are about death and the afterlife, when you die, your love is the only tangible thing left behind. Joe’s legacy of love is evident in his beautiful wife Paula, his siblings, his amazing daughters and his beloved grandchildren. Joe’s zest for life and emphasis on family is his legacy. We are all truly better because we experienced Joe’s love in our life.

When someone dies, we tend to turn the sinner into a saint. The truth is that we are ALL sinners; however, some of us do a much better job of living and loving during our time on earth. Every time I go to a funeral I always reflect on what people would say about me if it were my funeral. I always shudder because I know there is a lot of room for improvement. I feel ashamed because I know that I am not always the best neighbor, daughter or friend that I can be. I am busy and rushed and neglect the people I love. I am not fully present when I should be. Funerals should make us reflect on our lives and make a plan for improvement.

Funerals can also teach us about what we value in our friends. When we reflect on what we love about the person we have lost, we discover the qualities we want and need in our relationships. We loved Joe because he was such a warm and welcoming man. We cared about Mr. Ron because he always seemed to care about us.

In our book, Jennifer and I tell women (and men) that the only way to find the right partner is by articulating what traits and characteristics are important to you. The best way to do this is to think about someone that you love and care about. What qualities do you admire? What do you like about them? What makes them so special? Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a funeral for you to carefully examine the reasons you love someone.

I want my daughter to marry someone like Joe — a man who is loving, happy and generous. I hope my best friend marries someone like Mr. Ron—a sensitive man with an ever-present twinkle in his eye. Do you really want to marry the man that can only be described as petty and short-tempered? Or to date a woman who is known for her ability to carry a grudge for years? Reflecting upon the lives of the people you love and admire will show you who you want to be. It will help you discover the type of person you want to spend your life with. My bet is that it’s someone like Joe and Mr. Ron.