In the past few days, we received two emails from women telling us that HE was the one who ended it. Their emails were articulate and honest—written by smart, strong women! They provided fair, two-sided assessments of the relationship. However, as “outsiders” it wasn’t too difficult to read between the lines and see BIG RED FLAGS flying! Let’s take a look at “Suzie’s” story. Some red flags:
- She referred to him as a groom-zilla–”This is my day” he said. “It’s all about me and it has to be perfect”.
They had planned a vacation together for him to meet her family and for her to meet his parents. But at the last minute, a job came up that he didn’t want to miss. So he took it instead of spending quality time and introducing her to his loved ones—and she went on the trip without him. - He nagged her and picked fights with her—blaming them on her “excitability.”
- She said she read our book and talked herself into marrying him anyway. She said. “yeah, my heart’s in the right place”! (Oh how we can talk ourselves into marrying the wrong guys!)
- She referred to him as her loving yet nagging and demanding fiance
- She said he berated her for crying when he yelled at her, and said they should postpone the wedding.
- She said that they had beautiful engagement pictures taken…but it felt like a noose tightening around her neck.
According to Suzie, the relationship was filled with ups and downs. He would be alternating rude and then “profess his deep and profound love.” She said:
“I clearly remember telling him that I wished I knew how to stop loving him, because he was toxic to me. But we cried and made up like we always do – we love so deeply, we have to be together, right?”
Her story continued with a few more weeks of fights, making up and doubts on both sides. She even reached out to her mom about postponing the wedding. This was followed by a “dream weekend” together. “…romantic, charming, movies, dinners. Alone, quality time. I thought we made it over the hump. We were calming down, healing…”
Haven’t we all been there? You want it to work out so badly you ignore the fact that there are a lot more bad times than good times. You hang on to the three days a month he is nice to you. You ignore the other 27 days of the month. It’s so confusing. You know a part of you loves him, but then there are so many things wrong at the same time.
Ultimately…he called it off. She says it was very painful but… “it might have been the biggest favor he has ever done for me.” (We think so…but we also know it is hard.) She continues:
“What bothers me is that I’m kinda angry, kinda hurt, but mostly miss him. I can’t just shut off the love. That was REAL. Would I take him back? I don’t know. But I know that three weeks ago I wanted to let go. How could he go from loving me one minute to breaking up and walking away in a moment of cold feet? In truth, I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me and believe in me. I’m better than that and I deserve more. But it doesn’t hurt any less. I don’t question my perception of the relationship any less.”
There is nothing we can say that will immediately make her feel better. Only time and distance will allow her to heal. We also reminded her that she does not know what the future will bring and that she is absolutely better off alone. It’s hard to see a way out when you are in the middle of the pain. But we also know that when you do the RIGHT thing and unload the WRONG guy….good things start to happen. We have seen it happen over and over again. Change brings change…and it is usually positive change. It is not always easy…but your life will slowly start to improve. Guess what? Our theory was proven again. She sent us another email sharing some GOOD NEWS!
“Shortly after sending that email to you yesterday, I received a job offer that my ex-fiance would have never allowed me to take. It’s in a nicer city and will increase my income by 50%!!! I’m all smiles today… this was one hell of a wake-up call!”
How awesome is that!? We were thrilled for her. Of course, she will continue to mourn the loss of this relationship. It will take time. But she has just been given a fresh start and her move and new job will put her on a path to a better life. We wish Suzie well. And if you are stuck in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship, keep the faith. If you do the right thing, and unload the wrong guy your life will improve. It may not happen overnight, but it WILL happen. We’ll keep you posted on Suzie’s progress. And if you have any similar stories out there, we’d love to hear them.
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