Several weeks ago we asked the question:

Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?

We received so many great insights and answers we wanted to share your wisdom. So with no further introduction from us, listen and learn from women who have been there:

I have broken up with both kinds of guy, “nice” and “mean” and it is much harder to break up with the “nice” one. I ended a 9 month relationship 2 weeks ago with a great guy, smart, kind, funny, affectionate, but for a while I had felt something was missing and saw some red flags, hot and cold, judgmental, resentments towards his mother. I let them go for awhile but couldn’t ignore my intuition anymore. As much as i wanted him to be the “one” i know he is not, it hurts and it’s hard not to think about what “could have” been. But i know that more is possible for me now and that the right guy is now even closer!!!

I was seeing a real nice, smart, successful guy a month ago. At first, I was attracted to him. On paper, he was perfect but there was no zsa zsa zuu (as Carrie Bradshaw would put it). I WANTED to like him, but I didn’t feel that strong connection and more importantly, I didn’t feel the butterflies. And the worst thing about it was that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. I had to let him go though, I wasn’t going to lead him on and have him thinking that I felt the same way as he did when I really didn’t. It was really hard to do it because how do you tell someone that there’s nothing wrong with them but you don’t feel anything for them. But eventually I did it and I know he’ll have no trouble finding someone who will feel for him the way I couldn’t.

I’m actually in a relationship with a nice guy right now that I’ve been questioning. I really like him and he seems to be everything I want but sometimes I just wonder if he’s really the right guy for me. If he wasn’t nice, it would be a no brainer. I’d just move on. I think it’s harder with a nice guy because you feel like you need a reason and it’s hard to find one other than “this just doesn’t feel right”. If it’s obvious they’re really into you, it’s even harder because you don’t want to hurt them. I’d much rather have a guy be a jerk to me so I could simply say “I deserve better than you!”

Here is an in-depth response that might give you the push you need to break up with the wrong, nice guy:

*Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?

Absolutely! Especially if everyone around you thinks he is great. We’re raised to believe if the guy has done nothing wrong, is nice enough and wants to stick around, he deserves a chance. Otherwise there is something wrong with you or you are too picky, which leads one to a feeling of hopelessness and inaction. We’re trained to consider everyone else’s feelings but our own. Plus you feel like you risk looking like a big jerk leaving someone who is so nice to you.

*What was missing in the relationship? There was a mismatch of values, and/or the guy really wasn’t so ‘nice’ deep down after all.

* Why did you break up? I was just too miserable to keep it going. I knew it was time to get out when he had to drag me “ring” shopping and I went into a gut wrenching panic attack. I ended up using one of our value mismatches and turned into a really big deal so I had a reason, an excuse to break up.

* Did you regret breaking up? Why or why not? No!!! It was the best thing I ever did. I only wish I had done it much, much sooner. Even when I saw him a couple of years later and was reminded of all the good things, I did not feel one bit of regret because I was in a happy awesome relationship…with someone else.

* What did you gain by ending the relationship? An awesome relationship with someone else, hope, freedom, happiness, travel and adventure (he was holding me back in many ways), a graduate degree and best of all I got myself back.

* Any advice to share with other women who are remaining in a relationship with a nice guy that is not right for them?
Rip it off like a band-aid. It will NEVER be the right time to break up. There will always be something; his birthday, a holiday, something sweet he’s done, he’s having a bad day or a good day, etc… Face it, you are going to ruin his day no matter what you do. He will get over it. Men don’t care if it’s our birthday or Christmas or if we’re feeling low. When they want out, they get out…immediately. They don’t mince words and neither should you. He is not a baby; he knew the risks going in and accepted them. It’s not your job to do him any favors. It’s your job to ensure your own happiness. You can never get back the time you waste holding off the break up. And if you fear not finding someone else, don’t. You WILL find someone else, and they will be BETTER.

Thanks again to all the ladies who responded to our questions! We really appreciate your input. And if  you are currently struggling with the decision to break-up with a nice guy, we hope this helps. If you disagree, or have further comment, we’d love to hear from you! Anne and Jen