It’s no secret-breaking up is hard to do. You’ve cried yourself to sleep more times than you can count. You’ve eaten enough Ben & Jerry’s chunky monkey that you had to go out and buy a pair of “mom” jeans with the elastic waistband. You’ve screamed, you’ve purged pictures and mementos and now it’s time to get back out there and try it all over again. And you are dreading every minute of it.
Several years ago I counseled a wonderful young woman named “Lisa.” She was smart, pretty, funny and her soul was completely crushed following the news that her husband of five years (and high school sweetheart) had cheated on her and was leaving her for the “other woman.” In one evening she learned that the life she thought she had was actually a hoax played out by her husband. He was the only man she ever loved, the only man she shared herself intimately with. When he left, he not only took her pride and trust but he took her self -confidence as well. She showed up on my couch angry, depressed, and completely hopeless about her future. In a matter of a few short weeks, she built an emotional fortress around herself that would isolate her and protect her from the hurt and pain that she feared she would never recover from. “I’m damaged goods now. Who would ever want to be with me?” Lisa was grieving and it was almost impossible for her to even give attention to reclaiming the parts of herself that she thought she had lost for good.
After several months of therapy, a small dosage of an antidepressant and a much deserved vacation, Lisa slowly began to tear down those fortress walls. She changed her hair style, started to exercise and eat better and started getting out. Her guard was still up and the fear of being hurt again plagued her from being completely open to the possibilities of meeting someone new. But she decided to give it a try. The challenge for her, once she decided to get back to the land of the living, was that life , specifically dating life, had changed drastically since she had first dated. She hated the bar scene but all of her friends wanted her to go to their favorite hang outs. She was not a drinker and quite honestly did not want to be with someone who liked to party. She decided to get savvy with internet dating and even joined Facebook as a way to reconnect with old friends. Ultimately she decided this was not the way she wanted to meet people, either. We talked about ways she could stretch herself and think outside of the box. What lessons had she learned from her previous relationship? How would she now define what she truly wanted and needed in a relationship? She stopped wasting time going to bars to meet guys and went out because she wanted to be out with people she cared about. She put energy back into herself and stopped focusing on “when will my prince show up?” She joined a running club for singles who were not just interested in hooking up but shared a passion for a healthy lifestyle. She learned to love herself again. She reclaimed her self -confidence and put a new energy into how she approached the world and she let go of the past. She stopped making assumptions about every man she met and stopped comparing them to her ex. The fortress officially came down even though she knew there was a possibility that her heart could be broken, again.
Guess what? As soon as Lisa made this shift, she started to randomly meet new and interesting men. They weren’t all datable, but she never imagined she would have so many choices and experiences. She is holding out for Mr. Right and does not plan on settling for anyone. As far as I know, Lisa is still happily single. She got back in the dating saddle but she has learned that it’s about the ride and not about riding off into the sunset.
What do you think? Feeling jitters about dating again after a painful breakup? We’d love to hear from you.
Anne & Jen
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