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Fish or Cut Bait

How do you know when it’s time to break up? And what if you regret leaving? If only there were a simple formula for figuring it all out. We believe that many answers can be found in the stories of women who have found the courage to walk away from a dead-end relationship. Their insights, observations and hard-won lessons can help you see your own life more clearly.  This  guest post from one of our favorite bloggers–Disaster on Heels–is so perfect, no further introduction is needed.

If I believed in signs I would have turned around two days into the drive. On my way to Chicago I hit blizzards in Flagstaff (wasn’t Arizona supposed to be desert?), tornados in Omaha, and ice storms in St. Louis.

When I graduated from grad school I nabbed a killer job with a San Francisco-based start up while my on-again off-again boyfriend of six years kept his job in the Windy City. Though this meant we’d be dating long distance, everyone (including my boyfriend) agreed this was an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up, and “if it was meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

So I moved to the Bay and despite frequent visits, ten months in I got the call that I feared most. “I am not moving to San Francisco,” he said. “And I don’t want a long distance relationship.”

I couldn’t breathe.  Suddenly, I was plagued by the fear that I’d look back at this moment when I was 50 and wonder if I’d let my husband slip away simply because I had decided to put my career first.  Plus I was about to turn 30. In Maine we have an expression for just such crossroads: “Fish, or cut bait.”

So I fished. I quit my job, secured a new one, and three weeks later, in the middle of February,  I was bound for Chicago in a Mini Cooper.

I think  I knew somewhere it was a mistake.  But it’s amazing how long it takes for the brain to understand what the gut instinctively feels. My arrival was marked by insignificance. I had left my friends in San Francisco in tears, with goodbye parties and promises of upcoming visits. When I arrived in Chicago, there was no celebration, no flowers, no welcome dinner. Just the 27 boxes I had FedExed to his apartment stacked in an otherwise empty dining room. Rather than ship everything back to San Francisco right then and there,  I shut the bathroom door and cried.

For the next month while I adjusted to my new job by day, I nested furiously by night. When the hollowness settled in I immersed myself in Craigslist. I was rejuvenated by bargains. I found hope in antique chests, joy in recycled lamps, and affirmation in hand-made coffee tables. With each new treasure I expected my boyfriend to smile, thank me and tell me how happy he was I was creating a home. But that never happened.

One day I decided our hallway needed color.  It took me three runs to Home Depot to find a paint color that my boyfriend and I agreed upon. We settled on a vibrant orange, which, I convinced myself, looked cheerful.

It was 10PM on a Tuesday by the time I started lining the panels with blue tape and carefully placing the sparrow stencils I’d picked up at a street fair in San Francisco.  While I was perched on the ladder my boyfriend looked up from the TV and said, “Just so you know, if this doesn’t work out with us, you’re going to have to paint it back.”

I let his words roll off me. He’d see what I was doing and love it. He’d be so impressed. For the next four nights I painted quietly while he watched TV.   My back hurt, I was exhausted, but when the paint had dried and I peeled off the blue tape, I was proud of what I had done. It was beautiful, and it was ours.

“It tells a story,” I told my boyfriend, walking him down the hallway and showing him the birds. “See? It starts with one gold bird in the first panel and then as you go down the wall the flock of grey birds gets bigger. But in the last panel the gold bird is back in front. Get it? It’s about transcendence.”

“Cool,” my boyfriend said, and then headed towards the kitchen.

I lived with those birds for three more months, but eventually orange paint and antique lamps weren’t enough to keep the walls of our relationship from crumbling. I knew I had no choice but to leave. I took everything I had brought into that apartment, down to the drawer liners, but I could not take my painted birds. I cried as I walked down the hall, out of my apartment and into the darkness of the months that followed.

I didn’t see my ex for the next six months. I had envisioned the day we would inevitably bump into each other and the scenario played out differently each time in my mind. In one version I’d play it cool, say “hi” and keep walking. In another I’d beat him with my purse and stab him with a tube of lip gloss. But what actually played out exceeded even my best fantasy.

We ran into each other at a party hosted by a mutual friend, and my sister saw him first. She put down her cocktail, stared at me from across the room and lipped “OH MY GOD.” She rushed over and told me we could leave at any moment and asked me what I needed, but I turned to her coolly and said, “I’m fine.” To my surprise, I wasn’t even faking it.

He hovered like a vulture. He kept swooping in to try to talk to me and pick a fight. He wanted to see me upset. He was after tears, but he wouldn’t get them.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I’m good.”

“We should probably talk.”

“Why? I don’t think we need to. I’m happy.”

“I thought you’d be back in California by now.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not that easy.  Are you still in the apartment?”

“Yeah. But it looks a lot different now. I painted over the birds.”

He looked older, worn, and anxious, and he smelled like cigarettes.   Looking at him I felt no nostalgia, no regret, just relief that he was no longer my problem to deal with.  I felt the freedom of release, and the current of my future sweeping me up from below.  And in that moment I knew: the gold bird was me. And that, he could not paint over.

“Disaster on Heels” lives in Chicago. If you liked this post (how could you not?), you can friend her on facebook, follow her on twitter, or subscribe to her blog. You won’t regret it. Just like she doesn’t regret leaving her boyfriend.

Is is harder to break up with a mean guy or nice guy?

We are writing an article about the challenges of breaking up with a nice guy. He’s nice, you like him, but something is missing. Will you share your story? (all info will be kept confidential and we won’t post your comments here on our blog–all comments have to be approved before they go “live”–we will just gather the data via the comments ) We will post a link to the finished article here and on yourtango.com. Your answers can be as long or short as you want! Please answer the following:

  • Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?
  • What was missing in the relationship?
  • Why did you break up?
  • Did you regret breaking up? Why or why not?
  • What did you gain by ending the relationship?
  • Any advice to share with other women who are remaining in a relationship with a nice guy that is not right for them?

Thanks for your help! Anne and Jen

HE called it off… but maybe it’s best for both of us?

In the past few days, we received two emails from women telling us that HE was the one who ended it.  Their emails were articulate and honest—written by smart, strong women! They provided fair, two-sided assessments of the relationship. However, as “outsiders” it wasn’t too difficult to read between the lines and see BIG RED FLAGS flying! Let’s take a look at “Suzie’s” story. Some red flags:

  • She referred to him as a groom-zilla–”This is my day” he said. “It’s all about me and it has to be perfect”.
    They had planned a vacation together for him to meet her family and for her to meet his parents. But at the last minute, a job came up that he didn’t want to miss. So he took it instead of spending quality time and introducing her to his loved ones—and she went on the trip without him.
  • He nagged her and picked fights with her—blaming them on her “excitability.”
  • She said she read our book and talked herself into marrying him anyway. She said. “yeah, my heart’s in the right place”!  (Oh how we can talk ourselves into marrying the wrong guys!)
  • She referred to him as her loving yet nagging and demanding fiance
  • She said he berated her for crying when he yelled at her, and said they should postpone the wedding.
  • She said that they had beautiful engagement pictures taken…but it felt like a noose tightening around her neck.

According to Suzie, the relationship was filled with ups and downs. He would be alternating rude and thenprofess his deep and profound love.” She said:

“I clearly remember telling him that I wished I knew how to stop loving him, because he was toxic to me. But we cried and made up like we always do – we love so deeply, we have to be together, right?”

Her story continued with a few more weeks of fights, making up and doubts on both sides. She even reached out to her mom about postponing the wedding. This was followed by a “dream weekend” together. “…romantic, charming, movies, dinners. Alone, quality time. I thought we made it over the hump. We were calming down, healing…”

Haven’t we all been there? You want it to work out so badly you ignore the fact that there are a lot more bad times than good times. You hang on to the three days a month he is nice to you. You ignore the other 27 days of the month. It’s so confusing. You know a part of you loves him, but then there are so many things wrong at the same time.

Ultimately…he called it off. She says it was very painful but… “it might have been the biggest favor he has ever done for me.” (We think so…but we also know it is hard.) She continues:

“What bothers me is that I’m kinda angry, kinda hurt, but mostly miss him. I can’t just shut off the love. That was REAL.  Would I take him back? I don’t know. But I know that three weeks ago I wanted to let go. How could he go from loving me one minute to breaking up and walking away in a moment of cold feet? In truth, I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me and believe in me. I’m better than that and I deserve more. But it doesn’t hurt any less. I don’t question my perception of the relationship any less.”

There is nothing we can say that will immediately make her feel better. Only time and distance will allow her to heal. We also reminded her that she does not know what the future will bring and that she is absolutely better off alone. It’s hard to see a way out when you are in the middle of the pain. But we also know that when you do the RIGHT thing and unload the WRONG guy….good things start to happen. We have seen it happen over and over again. Change brings change…and it is usually positive change. It is not always easy…but your life will slowly start to improve. Guess what? Our theory was proven again. She sent us another email sharing some GOOD NEWS!

“Shortly after sending that email to you yesterday, I received a job offer that my ex-fiance would have never allowed me to take. It’s in a nicer city and will increase my income by 50%!!! I’m all smiles today… this was one hell of a wake-up call!”

How awesome is that!? We were thrilled for her. Of course, she will continue to mourn the loss of this relationship. It will take time. But she has just been given a fresh start and her move and new job will put her on a path to a better life. We wish Suzie well. And if you are stuck in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship, keep the faith. If you do the right thing, and unload the wrong guy your life will improve. It may not happen overnight, but it WILL happen. We’ll keep you posted on Suzie’s progress. And if you have any similar stories out there, we’d love to hear them.

10 Dating Lessons for Girls heading off to College

As you leave high school and head off to college, it’s important to remember that college is a “whole new ballgame” when it comes to dating.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

We asked recent college grads to share their advice for incoming freshmen girls on what to do, what NOT to do, and what to watch out for as they start college:

  1. Alcohol + guys = regrets the next day. ALWAYS!
  2. College is a time to find yourself and learn more about yourself.    Make sure to make good friends before even starting to look for a boyfriend.  They will be able to help you and be there for you when you have relationship problems.
  3. Be careful at the frat houses! The boys can be very sleazy and they can talk just as much as girls. You will develop a reputation really quickly after “shacking up” at the frat houses.
  4. Enter college single! And stay single! At least for the first year. It is important to establish a solid group of friends (male and female) and despite what you may think, being in a relationship definitely impairs that ability.
  5. If you have a boyfriend and are going away to school and so is he, then you have to really trust him.  If you have any doubt, then break up with him.  You can always still talk to him and stay in touch, but date around and have fun.  I do not think the beginning of college (freshman and sophomore year) is a good time to have a serious relationship.  If you are going away to college and your boyfriend is staying in town, watch out.  He may be bored and overly needy.  It is time for you to make friends and meet new people.  You might need to leave him behind.
  6. Sex is a big deal and even more so for girls than guys.  Even if you think it won’t affect you, it will.  Sex will not make a boy like you more nor will it make him stay with you. So many of my friends have had sex just for the attention from guys.  In they end they wonder why the guy doesn’t like them or want to date them.  Challenge a boy.  Make him wait and see you as more than something just “sexual.”  Show yourself that you deserve better than a guy who is just looking for a hook up.
  7. Focus on yourself and your studies and don’t worry about finding a guy, because as soon as you’re not trying, that’s when you will find someone. Also, any freshmen guy you meet is 9 times out of 10 not ready to be in a committed relationship with ANYONE so don’t take it personally if he doesn’t want to be with you.
  8. Once you begin having sex, future relationships are likely to advance physically much more quickly.  Be careful not to lower your standards in this respect simply because the territory is no longer unknown.
  9. Sex does not make a boy like you, and you should never think you have to have sex to get a guy back.
  10. Remember that most of the people you meet in college are taking advantage of the newfound freedom associated with the college lifestyle.  Don’t feel pressured to do things you’re uncomfortable with just because others are excited about doing it.  I would also encourage girls who are entering college to spend some time getting to know themselves in this new setting before they consider looking for a romantic relationship

This is unfiltered, unedited and uncensored advice from the graduating class of 2010. Learn from their mistakes so you don’t have to the same ones. Knowledge is power. If you are aware of the pitfalls, you will have a better chance for a happier and healthier college experience.

Now it’s your turn: What mistakes did you make? What would you advise incoming freshmen girls? We’d love to hear your thoughts!

I married the wrong guy and I knew it or I should have been a runaway bride!

We received this great comment from one our blog readers and thought it was worth reposting. Our book is filled with stories like hers. It is really hard to fix a marriage that is wrong from the start. All the women that shared their stories of doomed-from-the start relationships and/or marriages were willing to revisit painful memories in the hopes of helping other women. And for any guys who are reading this—all of this advice can help you, too. It is the exact same advice for men. Live and learn:

I am one of those women that married the wrong guy and knew it. Somehow, I would have hoped that this book would have came out sooner. Your book is so on point about listening to yourself. But most importantly trusting yourself. Its quite sad that now a days there are so many books out there where the focus is to stay in relationships; but there is little about moving forward and ending the wrong kind of relationships. And you are very right, if it starts off badly, then it will continue to become worse. That is exactly what happened with my marriage. No amount of counseling or “reasoning” could fix the problems. There where some really big red flags that I ignored. The problems didn’t start after the marriage. There where always there. I never paid attention to them. It wasn’t until I was married that I realized he was irresponsible, couldn’t balance his budget, hold a job for longer then three months at a time, he didn’t know the meaning of saving. After the first year of marriage, things became abusive. I have been divorced for close to seven years. I am happier and healthier. As painful as that experience was for me; I have learned what I want from my relationships. No, it hasn’t been easy but I would rather NOT settle for Mr. Okay for Now. And that’s another thing; too many time women settle for Mr. Okay for Now instead of holding out for the right guy.

We couldnt have said it any better ourselves! Thanks for sharing your story!

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