We received an email from a blogger this week who recently ended a 1 1/2 year relationship. Her reaction is a common one, especially if the guy you are breaking up with is a “good” guy. Here’s what she wrote:
I was wondering if you could blog about the guilt a person feels after ending a relationship. Even though I know I did the right thing for myself, I am beating myself up knowing that I hurt my ex-boyfriend. He continues to contact me, and I just feel hurt knowing that I’m hurting him. I think myself (and possibly other readers), can read your blog, hear these stories and know the advice is true. We can hear the words that resonate in our hearts and minds, but sometimes that guilt … knowing the other person is hurting … hearing the things you’ve always wanted to hear from your ex … all of that makes it so much harder to move on.
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Take a stroll through the bookstore and you will find all sorts of books about relationships. Be advised that a lot of that advice is really, really bad. I was at the bookstore yesterday and couldn’t resist buying a book that promised to “help you get your boyfriend to pop the question.” (my kids are used to me buying books like this by now!) I won’t tell you the exact title of the book because I am nice like that but let’s just say I found the advice horrifying. Do you really want to have to manipulate, control, beg, or force a guy into marrying you? Ummm, no. In fact this book wastes exactly 194 pieces of paper with such gems as “triggering a proposal” and why you should “ignore your cold feet” if your manipulative tactics do indeed work.
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How do you know when you are just settling? And does it really matter if you do? We’ve talked to plenty of women who know they are settling for a lukewarm relationship. Deep down they know their boyfriend is not right for them–yet they stay. They like him, but they’re just not crazy about him. They enjoy his friends and his family. They also like the security of having a boyfriend. But is this really the right way to live your life? We don’t advise you to wait for the PERFECT MAN– but we do encourage you to find the PERFECT MAN FOR YOU!
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We have discovered that one of the primary reasons women stay in less-than fulfilling relationships is because they have invested too much time and energy into their boyfriend/fiance. We heard things like, “We dated for seven years and I did not want to throw all of that away. I was hoping it would turn out ok.” Seven years is a long time to be in a relationship but imagine a life time with someone who you have doubts about! Don’t fool yourself into thinking that marriage will somehow magically improve the relationship-it won’t. Here’s the story of a woman who recently contacted us about her doubts of the man she has been dating for 15 years. “Tamra’s” story is a common one and we think she already knows the answer to her questions. When you are with the right guy, you will never have serious doubts about him or about your relationship. You will bring out the best in each other. And when you describe him, your face will light up and you won’t use words like “spineless” to describe him. What do you think?
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Jennifer and I both loved the book, Eat, Pray Love. While I don’t agree with everything Elizabeth Gilbert has to say about marriage, I do agree that far too many women confuse “weddings” with marriage. They are so focused on the party, they forget about the relationship.
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