How to Marry the Wrong Guy | Blog

Doing the Right Thing Might Leave You Feeling a Little Guilty

We received an email from a blogger this week who recently ended a 1 1/2 year relationship. Her reaction is a common one, especially if the guy you are breaking up with is a “good” guy. Here’s what she wrote:

I was wondering if you could blog about the guilt a person feels after ending a relationship. Even though I know I did the right thing for myself, I am beating myself up knowing that I hurt my ex-boyfriend. He continues to contact me, and I just feel hurt knowing that I’m hurting him. I think myself (and possibly other readers), can read your blog, hear these stories and know the advice is true. We can hear the words that resonate in our hearts and minds, but sometimes that guilt … knowing the other person is hurting … hearing the things you’ve always wanted to hear from your ex … all of that makes it so much harder to move on.

So true! As women, we are taught from an early age the importance of taking care of others. Often times, this caretaking role comes at a high cost because we forget to take care of the most important person, our SELF. We congratulate the woman in the above story and women we hear from on a daily basis who DO finally put themselves first in order to live their most authentic life. It’s a fact, when you do finally decide to break it off with the wrong guy, his feelings will be hurt, both of you will grieve the loss of your relationship. But the only person’s happiness you should be responsible for is yours. Taking on more than that is going to leave you feeling depleted. It’s at this moment of depletion that feelings like guilt start to creep into your psyche and may even make you question the decision that you made to get out. What is guilt? It’s that nagging feeling (usually self criticism) that we did something wrong or bad. Being honest to yourself and to your boyfriend is not a bad thing. It might feel bad but usually that bad feeling will not stay with you indefinitely. So when you break up with him, when he starts to cry, when he begs you not to leave him, treat him with care and compassion but don’t feel responsible to fix him or make him feel better. When the guilt shows up, remind yourself that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. If he continues to call, text, email, Facebook, show up at your office for your support, kindly take a step back and let him know that you can no longer be that for him. This will be the hardest part, because, again, we are taught to take care of others. Remember, as long as you stay connected to him on this level, making sure he is OK, you will both miss out on opportunities for growth and finding the right person. Stop taking every call from him, no more texts, no more checking his Facebook status, no more “can we just meet for a cup of coffee.” You will never move on as long as you have one hand holding on to him, helping to support him. You will remain unsteady. Free yourself from this guilt and embrace all that you long to be and long for.

Beware of bad relationship advice

Take a stroll through the bookstore and you will find all sorts of books about relationships. Be advised that a lot of that advice is really, really bad. I was at the bookstore yesterday and couldn’t resist buying a book that promised to “help you get your boyfriend to pop the question.” (my kids are used to me buying books like this by now!) I won’t tell you the exact title of the book because I am nice like that but let’s just say I found the advice horrifying. Do you really want to have to manipulate, control, beg, or force a guy into marrying you? Ummm, no. In fact this book wastes exactly 194 pieces of paper with such gems as “triggering a proposal” and why you should “ignore your cold feet” if your manipulative tactics do indeed work.

I don’t think I am going to let co-author therapist Jennifer read this book because she might break out into a cold sweat and get hives because the advice is so crazy. She is too wise to be exposed to such nonsense!

So what is the point? Be careful about what you read. Do you really think you can successfully find your soul mate in 30 days? (another book I saw on the shelves.) Don’t force a relationship. Don’t push for marriage. If things are right… a happy, healthy and monogamous dating relationship will naturally unfold. And then, if everything feels right in your gut–and in his–marriage might be in your future. A marriage that is born from coercion, manipulation or pressure is not going to be a good one!

How do you know when you are “just settling” for a relationship?

How do you know when you are just settling? And does it really matter if you do? We’ve talked to plenty of women who know they are settling for a lukewarm relationship. Deep down they know their boyfriend is not right for them–yet they stay. They like him, but they’re just not crazy about him. They enjoy his friends and his family. They also like the security of having a boyfriend. But is this really the right way to live your life? We don’t advise you to wait for the PERFECT MAN– but we do encourage you to find the PERFECT MAN FOR YOU!

A twenty-something friend of ours read an early draft of our manuscript–she says it helped give her the courage to get out of her previous relationship. We asked her to share her insights in order to help other women understand what “settling” is all about. We think her advice is excellent:

Not too long ago, someone gave me a great piece of personal advice – not to ever, EVER settle for the wrong guy. At the time I don’t think I wanted to admit it, to myself or anyone else, but her words hit home to me.

You see, from the beginning there were little things about him that I wasn’t fond of, but I let them slide because of how much he liked me. I wanted to be with a guy who was head over heels for me, which he was, but for some reason I didn’t fully feel the same way in return. He was a good guy. But there were a lot of little things that weren’t part of who he was that were just “missing” from our relationship. He was immature. Not romantic in the least. Sometimes it seemed like we were just good friends, and I knew that in a relationship I wanted and needed more. Plus, he was co-dependent. It seemed like we always had to be together in our spare time. So, I decided to leave. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But now I know for sure that it was worth it. I waited awhile before moving on, because I needed time to myself before I was ready for another relationship. And I needed to learn from this experience too. If I would have communicated my feelings more, maybe I would have realized and admitted that he wasn’t the one for me much earlier on. Recently, one of my friends set me up. I was hesitant at first, but after I met him things just clicked, naturally. He’s such a great guy, everything I was looking for – mature, romantic, he shares the same interests as me and he is extremely thoughtful. I love that he continues to have his own life and I have mine. We don’t have to spend every waking moment together, but when we do it’s great. Plus, there is chemistry. You know, that unexplainable feeling you get when you are around the person that just feels right rather than just fine. That’s the difference. Who knows what will happen with my new relationship, but no matter what I know I’ll be happy with not settling for just fine.

Does her advice resonate? Do you feel a little bit uncomfortable? Do you agree or disagree? And finally, what’s the difference between settling and compromising? We’d love to hear your thoughts!

Time Invested in a Relationship Often Keeps Us Stuck

We have discovered that one of the primary reasons women stay in less-than fulfilling relationships is because they have invested too much time and energy into their boyfriend/fiance. We heard things like, “We dated for seven years and I did not want to throw all of that away. I was hoping it would turn out ok.” Seven years is a long time to be in a relationship but imagine a life time with someone who you have doubts about! Don’t fool yourself into thinking that marriage will somehow magically improve the relationship-it won’t. Here’s the story of a woman who recently contacted us about her doubts of the man she has been dating for 15 years. “Tamra’s” story is a common one and we think she already knows the answer to her questions. When you are with the right guy, you will never have serious doubts about him or about your relationship. You will bring out the best in each other. And when you describe him, your face will light up and you won’t use words like “spineless” to describe him. What do you think?

Hi, I just came across your site and found your articles to be very helpful and would like to get your input on my situation. I’m 31 and have been with my first boyfriend since I was 16. While he has been wanting to get married the last 3-4 years, I didn’t quite feel ‘ready’ to and wanted to wait until it felt right. Well I turned 31 a couple months ago and I’m scared about why I still don’t feel ready. My boyfriend is a really good person. He’s cares about me and he is invested in a future together but I have reservations about certain things about him. He has problems taking initiative and making good decisions about important things.

One example is that he was working for a company that was being bought out last year. Even though he knew his job was really insecure, he wouldn’t even look for something else no matter how many times I brought it up. He just kept wanting to ‘wait and see’ if he could get a promotion before leaving and now his situation looks even worse because of the job market. In fact, he went out and spent a couple grand on a new entertainment system and ps3. And a couple years ago we had to look for another apt to rent and I was the only one looking and worrying about finding another place. He didn’t seem worried about doing anything even though we were running out of time. I feel like the only way he ever does something important (work, finding apt) is if I nag him into it. I hate feeling like I have to nag him! He also has a lot of problems standing up for himself (at work, w/ family) and can be a big push over with everyone.

On top of the fact that he’s like this, he has no sense of humor and we don’t have anything to talk about a lot of the time. I’m lonely a lot of the time and he doesn’t seem to notice. I’m worried that if we get married, I”m going to feel like I’m always doing everything by myself and making decisions alone and won’t really have a partner the way I need. Other times I”m afraid I’m just being too critical and that I just need to settle down and start having a family asap. I know I made him sound like a slacker but he’s pretty responsible most of the time even if he’s a little spineless sometimes. I feel like if I knew I was with the right person, I would love to get married. I’m just not sure if we’re right together even after being together so long – what does that mean? Am I just being too picky and critical? Am I just expecting him to be too perfect? (I know no one is) Or am I just wasting valuable time just ‘waiting’ for a relationship to feel right?

Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) talks about high price women pay to “be chosen”

Jennifer and I both loved the book, Eat, Pray Love. While I don’t agree with everything Elizabeth Gilbert has to say about marriage, I do agree that far too many women confuse “weddings” with marriage. They are so focused on the party, they forget about the relationship.

Below is an excerpt from Ann Patchett’s interview of Elizabeth Gilbert that appeared in the January 2, 2010 Wall Street Journal. This idea of being chosen came up repeatedly in our interviews. For the entire WSJ article, click here:

AP: Many people confuse weddings with marriage, or they don’t think past the wedding to the marriage. What are your feelings about weddings and how do they figure into the bigger picture of marriage?

EG: “I think this is a particular trap for women—especially young women of the romantic variety, which is to say: young women. I myself have never been enchanted by the dream of the white wedding, and, heaven help us, the expectation that this exquisitely catered event should be “the happiest moment” of one’s life. But I did ask a number of my heartsick single female friends about this very question, and one of them gave me a truthful and illuminating answer: The fantasy of the wedding day is that it represents undeniable public and private truth that you have been chosen. For that one day, you are the most valuable creature in the world—a treasure, a princess, a prize. For many women, who have never felt chosen or desirable or precious, this is an unshakable yearning. And I’m afraid many women do choose the wedding over the marriage. It seems a steep price to pay, but it comes from a place of deep, sad longing to be loved and to have it proven that you are of value.”

What do you think?

Healthy Relationship Resolutions for 2010

Do you want to have happier, healthier relationships in 2010? Here is what you can do:

If you are dating the wrong guy.
If you think you are dating the wrong guy–or have a habit of dating the wrong guys–resolve to break that habit. Think about what qualities are important to you and why? Assess your current relationship. Don’t settle for someone just because you don’t want to be alone.
If you are engaged to the wrong guy.
If you are planning a wedding to the wrong guy, please call it off. You don’t have to go through with it. No one ever regrets calling off a wedding. They only regret when they don’t!
If you are married to the wrong guy.
If you are in a rocky relationship, run, don’t walk, to a therapist. If he won’t go with you, then go by yourself. Figure out what you want and need in your relationship. Work on it together. If he won’t work on it, then it’s up to you to figure out what you need to ensure a happier, healthier you in 2010.
If you need to break up with the wrong guy.
Make 2010 the year that you tap into your inner courage and get out of your relationship. Think of what you are missing by sticking around in a dead-end relationship. Talk to a friend, set a date, and make your plans to move on.
If you are with the right guy.
Whether you are married or dating, make sure you don’t take the right guy for granted. It’s so easy to fall into a rut and not do the little things that show you care. Bake him his favorite cookies. Scrape the ice off his car window. Make him a big pot of chili. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful.

One final note–if you have a friendship that is dragging you down, address that, too. If you are on the outs with a longtime friend, do what it takes to resolve that problem. And if you have a toxic friendship, maybe it’s time to tell that friend buh-bye. Most of us don’t have enough time to spend with the friends we do love and care about. Don’t waste time with a friend who brings you down.

2011 will be here in 361 days. Resolve to use that time to create happier, healthier relationships!

Are we right for each other? How do you know?

I was at a holiday party last week and talked to a nice couple about our research and our book. I am distantly related to the female half of the couple. They are both in their thirties, single, successful, and self-described “type A personalities.” (As a type C person, Type A people always fascinate me.) They didn’t tell me how long they had been dating, but they said they have some doubts about their relationship because they can hardly do anything together without getting into an argument. They both like to do things their way. In fact, they admitted to throwing cookie cutters at each other during their recent holiday cookie bake. No matter what it is–a game, a home improvement project, whatever…they both believe that there is only one right way to do something. Unfortunately, they never agree on the right way. Their question to me was this: “What are the top five reasons men or women marry the wrong person?” I told them what we learned in our research…but I don’t think that is what they really wanted to know. I think they really wanted to know whether or not their relationship can be successful in spite of their constant fighting. My gut reaction is that their relationship will be difficult..especially if they throw a few kids into the mix down the road. However, I do think there is a simple way for them to figure this out…but they have to be honest. Here is what they need to ask themselves:
At the end of the day, are you happier with him (or her) or without him?
Do you feel better about yourself when you are together or worse?
Do you feel stressed out when you are with him (or her)?
I know that seems so obvious, but it’s true. Does your boyfriend or girlfriend bring out the best in you? Think about it.

Catch a Tiger By It’s Tail

Another week and another celebrity husband has been caught cheating on his wife. It’s not a new story. Husbands cheat on their wives all of the time (and vice versa). So why are we so intrigued by the drama unfolding in the Woods’ household? Maybe we are curious how this all-American boy that we hold so high on a pedestal can fall from grace. He has it all: a beautiful wife and child, a lucrative career, anything that money can buy. The world is at his beck and call. Here is why we are all so curious -why would you risk everything to have an affair? Now, granted, we do not know what went on behind closed doors with this couple. And as a couple’s therapist, I will be the first one to tell you that appearances are often not what they seem when it comes to relationships. But I do know this: cheating is never a solution to your problems. Cheating is a way to give up on your relationship or marriage without putting in the effort to figure out what is going wrong. People who cheat will say things like, “I wasn’t getting what I needed from her, so I found it somewhere else.” They blame the other person in the relationship for their choices and actions. “If we had sex more often I would not have gone outside our marriage.” I just heard a quote today from a woman who is a lawyer and divorce mediator. She said, “A man is as faithful as his character is strong.” How true! There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Couples who have been married for any significant amount of time will tell you that each relationship has it’s ups and downs. So how will your guy behave in those down cycles? Does he possess that strong character? How will you even know? Take a look at his character now. You want to be with a man who:
1. Is an honest man in all areas of his life.
2. Talks to you respectfully when issues come up.
3. Does not have an attitude of “boys will be boys.”
4. Is not afraid to admit his mistakes.
5. You can trust without any doubt.
Don’t believe that all men are cheaters and don’t expect that it will happen to you. Have higher standards for yourself and your relationship! And remember, he may seem perfect. He may offer you a life that you have always dreamed of with a mansion in Orlando and a Cadillac Escalade in every color. But are all of those things worth it if you can’t count on him to do the right thing?

Why do men (or women) cheat? What do you think?

What are the reasons men and women cheat on their wife or significant other? Do you think that rich and famous men/women cheat for the same reasons that the average person cheats? What can we learn?

Doubts about your wedding? Don’t do it! Otherwise you’ll miss out on the right guy!

There was an article in this morning’s edition of USA Today about people going through with a marriage that they already know is a mistake. Our book is filled with stories of women who walked down the aisle with the wrong guy. Unfortunately, we know that this happens all the time. Our goal is to help women recognize these doubts and find the courage to get out. We know that it’s difficult to be the lone single friend in a world of couple friends. However–you really are better alone than with the wrong guy. (And guys are better off alone than with the wrong girl!) What’s worse is that if you remain stuck in a relationship with the wrong guy (or girl)—you’ll miss out on the right one. A happy and healthy relationship can be one of life’s greatest joys. A lovely woman who read our book was kind enough to share her story of her successful 40 year marriage. Don’t you think you deserve the same?

In your book and on this website, you ask for stories about marrying the wrong guy but I wanted to tell you about marrying the right guy.

My parents were married for 59 years. I loved them dearly. Earl’s parents divorced. I had great role models; he did not, but, together, we have managed to create a great marriage and a solid foundation for our children.

What a great story! What can you learn from this? You want to share your life with a person who brings out the best in you. A partner who encourages you to do your best and adds to your life, not subtracts from it.

Do you agree? Disagree? How does your relationship enhance your life? How has a previous relationship detracted from your life? We’d love to hear from you!