This is an excerpt from the updated and revised edition of our book that is being published by Broadway Books, and imprint of Random House. Reserve your copy here.

My sweet husband — the right guy — and I went through a lot the first five years of our marriage. We experienced good times and bad, sickness and health and both ends of the “for richer and poorer” spectrum! The challenges we faced showed me what a truly amazing man he is. I also realized how lucky I am to be married to him. When I sum up what I love most about Doug—it’s hard to choose. He loves me, he respects me, and he makes me laugh every day. But there is something else that I’ve discovered that is necessary for a solid marriage. You need to be able to count on your husband to do the right thing. Whether it is honoring family obligations, working overtime or helping out a neighbor—he needs to be rock solid. Its okay if he complains a little bit—just as long as you know that in the end he will do what is right.

His integrity helps me to be a better person. When I am thinking…”well, maybe I will just skip that funeral and send a card.” He’ll gently remind me how much it means to “be there.” Or I’ll say—“I don’t really want to do such and such”—and he will point out why I should. Usually I can’t resist because I know that he practices what he preaches. This is so important — especially as you get older and face more life challenges. Caring for an aging or sick parent, dealing with life threatening illness, or dealing with teenagers can be hard enough without the love and support of your partner. It also brings a sense of peace to your life.

I decided to talk to a few women who understand the importance of reliability and integrity. Here is what Jennifer’s mother-in-law said about her beloved, now-deceased husband:

He was an honest, polite, kind man with a terrific sense of humor, but above all else he never wavered in his love for me and his family. He always provided for us. He was by no means a saint, just a good man. I think his commitment to the success and safety of me and our kids gave our marriage a sense of peace, trust, and security.

They were high school sweethearts and married for more than forty years. His commitment to his family created a marriage that still serves as a model for all of their children. Another friend of mine whose husband is facing the challenges of a degenerative neuromuscular disease weighed in:

His best characteristics are his faithfulness and humbleness. He is faithful to his family and always makes sure that we are second in his life – right after God. He has such a humble nature – he never complains about his health or the unfairness of the cards he has been dealt. He has such a giving nature, but in a most quiet manner. He always does kind deeds without ever looking for acknowledgment.

In spite of everything, he still gets up everyday and goes to work. In spite of his declining mobility, his commitment makes this incredible challenge a bit easier to bear.

My cousin is an oncology nurse. She provides bedside care to cancer patients in the final days of their life. I asked her to share her insights after witnessing some of the most difficult days in a married couple’s life — saying goodbye.

What strikes me the most is that for some couples it is simply about being there for one another. It’s not about the big gestures, the over the top bouquets of flowers or things like that. It is about spending every last bit of time they have—together. I have watched their husbands offer such loving, tender care. It is so beautiful. They gently wipe the brows of their wives, straighten the bedcovers, or offer small sips of water. There is no other place that they would rather be. I have come to believe that this sense of peace and serenity in the final days are an extension of what their marriage was like. They both know that they can rely on one another. They trust one another — and they both take great comfort knowing that they are preparing each other for the next step of their journey.

What a beautiful testimony to the strength and power of a loving marriage. What is most telling about her observation is that it articulates the value of sharing your life with someone who loves and cherishes you. A spouse you can count on will give you the strength you need to get through anything…even when it comes time to say goodbye.

Last Thursday night, we were at Bar Italia with our friends from the Big Read. We met lots of nice people, enjoyed some wine and tasty appetizers and had the opportunity to talk about “How to Marry the Wrong Guy.” It never fails that several women (and men) will share their tales of “walking down the aisle knowing full-well it was a mistake.” Their stories can be funny or sad, shocking or even ho-hum. Sometimes it’s a little bit of all of those things. And yet they are all surprisingly familiar. Young or old, black or white, men or women—they cite the same eight or nine reasons for walking down the aisle into a mistaken marriage. We love to hear these stories—because it affirms our message and reminds us to keep talking about it!

Another question we inevitably hear is, “How do you know when you are with the right person?” Telling people “you will just know it,” is not the answer they are looking for. (Although it is the truth—they want more.)

This is where Beverly comes in. She is living proof that being with the right guy can make all the difference in the world. We met Beverly at Bar Italia. She was a beautiful woman, dressed in bright red with a smile that lit up the whole room. She shared her story of a troubled first marriage—but then she started to glow when as she began talking about her current husband. You could tell by looking at her that she was with the right guy. They have been married for 15 years and she says that are still buddies. “He is a wonderful man and we are just right for each other. I keep waiting for that feeling to go away…but it never does.” She was a lovely and gracious woman—one of those people that you gravitate to. Would she radiate happiness if she were stuck in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No! When you are with the right person, it’s not only obvious to you; it’s also evident to everyone around you.

On a final note–we also met several HAPPILY single women, too. They were out and about enjoying a good time looking equally radiant. Why? Because they are doing what is right for them. They are fully living their life as single women rather then clinging to a bad boyfriend for fear of being alone.

So how do you know when you are with the right guy or girl?

• You bring out the best in each other, not the worst
• You both appreciate each other’s authenticity allowing each other to be autonomous and together at the same time
• You appreciate all the parts that make your partner whole without expectation of needing him to change or vice versa
• You each do thoughtful things for one another without asking for anything in return (or keeping score!)
• When you talk about him or he talk about you, your faces light up the room like Beverly’s did

Jen and Anne at Bar Italia--are we glowing? Can you tell that we are married to the right guys?