I went to two funerals in the past week. I have done a lot of crying.

The first funeral was for our school custodian. Mr. Ron died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. He was there one day and gone the next. He had worked at our school for 21 years and everyone loved him — the teachers, the parents, and the students. He was definitely a character — one of those people that make life interesting. Mr. Ron was bald and wore an earring. He was also full of stories. My friend Leslie described him as “…a cross between Mr. Clean and Gene-Gene-the-dancing-machine.” She was right on target.

His funeral was a sea of teary-eyed alumnae, parents, friends and family. The teachers were openly weeping. It was so sad. His death reminded us how much we appreciate — yet take for granted —the people who cross our paths everyday. Ron was funny and interested in what you had to say. You always walked away from him with a smile on your face.

The next funeral was for our dear friend Joe. He was our son’s Godfather and my husband’s mentor. In many ways, my husband and I feel like we have lost a father. He was just an awesome guy. To know him was to love him. He was a self-made success story without a snobby bone in his body. He was warm and loving and generous—and a whole lot of fun. Again, the church was packed with lifelong friends, neighbors, business associates and family. There was hardly a dry eye in the place. People came from across the country to bid him farewell.

The amazing Anglican priest summed up the homily at Joe’s funeral by reminding us that “…in the end, all that’s left is the love.” That is so true. No matter what your beliefs are about death and the afterlife, when you die, your love is the only tangible thing left behind. Joe’s legacy of love is evident in his beautiful wife Paula, his siblings, his amazing daughters and his beloved grandchildren. Joe’s zest for life and emphasis on family is his legacy. We are all truly better because we experienced Joe’s love in our life.

When someone dies, we tend to turn the sinner into a saint. The truth is that we are ALL sinners; however, some of us do a much better job of living and loving during our time on earth. Every time I go to a funeral I always reflect on what people would say about me if it were my funeral. I always shudder because I know there is a lot of room for improvement. I feel ashamed because I know that I am not always the best neighbor, daughter or friend that I can be. I am busy and rushed and neglect the people I love. I am not fully present when I should be. Funerals should make us reflect on our lives and make a plan for improvement.

Funerals can also teach us about what we value in our friends. When we reflect on what we love about the person we have lost, we discover the qualities we want and need in our relationships. We loved Joe because he was such a warm and welcoming man. We cared about Mr. Ron because he always seemed to care about us.

In our book, Jennifer and I tell women (and men) that the only way to find the right partner is by articulating what traits and characteristics are important to you. The best way to do this is to think about someone that you love and care about. What qualities do you admire? What do you like about them? What makes them so special? Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a funeral for you to carefully examine the reasons you love someone.

I want my daughter to marry someone like Joe — a man who is loving, happy and generous. I hope my best friend marries someone like Mr. Ron—a sensitive man with an ever-present twinkle in his eye. Do you really want to marry the man that can only be described as petty and short-tempered? Or to date a woman who is known for her ability to carry a grudge for years? Reflecting upon the lives of the people you love and admire will show you who you want to be. It will help you discover the type of person you want to spend your life with. My bet is that it’s someone like Joe and Mr. Ron.

After spending the last two years writing a book about the perils of ignoring red flags and gut feelings—I just did the same thing. No I didn’t say yes to the wrong guy — but I did say yes to the wrong client. And I knew it was wrong from the beginning!

When a friend of mine asked me to write a brochure for one of his clients, I happily agreed. But as he started to give me the background on the project, the red flags began to fly. The first was that not all of the principals of the firm were on board with the brochure. The second was that I would have to go to a pitch meeting and convince them they needed the brochure. Deep down I already knew this was trouble but my desire for billable hours shut down that little voice in my head and I said yes. Dumb.

So off I went to a “pitch meeting” with all of the principals. I spent a few minutes beforehand with the man who was pushing for the project. He was a super nice guy. Great, I thought. But as he started to explain the situation I felt sick to my stomach. The bottom line was this: two of the five principals were on board, two could be easily convinced, and the rainmaker of the firm was dead-set against it. So guess whose job it was going to be to convince the rainmaker? Mine. (Please keep in mind that I get paid by the hour for writing, not selling.)

The meeting was not pretty. Four of the men were lovely and gracious. They were perfect gentlemen — polite and respectful in every way. But the fifth guy was a complete jackass. He was rude. He had a chip on his shoulder. He was totally opposed to the idea and wasn’t shy about it. And guess who was to target of his ire — me. And remember I was not getting paid for this!

The fun really started when the meeting adjourned. I was going to individually interview each man to review their biographies and discuss their vision of the firm. Again —everyone was a perfect gentlemen — until if was time for you-know-who. It was so bad that one of the guys asked if I wanted him to stick around when I met with the rude one! I told him thanks, but after five years as the only female manager at a beer wholesaler I could handle myself.

I’ll just give you a few highlights:

• He wouldn’t make eye contact
• He spoke in monosyllables
• He told me what a stupid idea it was
• He said that any salesperson who needed a brochure as a sales tool was “a big failure and would hang themselves anyway”
• He told me how much money he had
• He told me he was a “key player” in his industry
• He told me he was the number one salesperson at the company
• And then he finished it off by telling me that his wife didn’t have to work because he made so much money

What an ass. The worse part was that it was my fault for being in this no-win situation. I saw the red flags from the start. My gut feelings said “no” but my mouth said “yes.” I let my desire for billable hours override my intuition.

Last week it all ended badly when my friend informed me that the rainmaker refused to approve the content (which everyone else liked by the way.) Instead, he is going to bring in an expensive ad agency that he selected and completely re brand the firm. I am now fighting to get paid. What a waste of time. What can you learn from my mistake?

• Red flags trigger gut feelings in all aspects of your life—work,family, friends, church and school.
• If anyone asks you to agree to, volunteer for, or commit to something that you are uncomfortable about—say no. Figure out what you are really feeling. What is making you hesitate?
• Remember—it’s not just about recognizing red flags. You must recognize the gut feelings triggered by those red flags
• Pay attention to your feelings and listen carefully for that little voice in your head—it always knows what is best for you!

Every bad boss or difficult client can teach you something. There is always a lesson found in any situation that ends poorly. When did you see the first red flag? How did your gut react? Why did you proceed? The goal is to train yourself to recognize and act on your gut feelings. You never regret it when you act on your gut feelings. You only regret it when you don’t.

P. S. I can’t wait to see the look on the rainmaker’s face when he sees the complimentary copy of “How NOT to Marry the Wrong Guy” I plan on sending his wife! Just kidding. It’s too late for her!