I was at a holiday party last week and talked to a nice couple about our research and our book. I am distantly related to the female half of the couple. They are both in their thirties, single, successful, and self-described “type A personalities.” (As a type C person, Type A people always fascinate me.) They didn’t tell me how long they had been dating, but they said they have some doubts about their relationship because they can hardly do anything together without getting into an argument. They both like to do things their way. In fact, they admitted to throwing cookie cutters at each other during their recent holiday cookie bake. No matter what it is–a game, a home improvement project, whatever…they both believe that there is only one right way to do something. Unfortunately, they never agree on the right way. Their question to me was this: “What are the top five reasons men or women marry the wrong person?” I told them what we learned in our research…but I don’t think that is what they really wanted to know. I think they really wanted to know whether or not their relationship can be successful in spite of their constant fighting. My gut reaction is that their relationship will be difficult..especially if they throw a few kids into the mix down the road. However, I do think there is a simple way for them to figure this out…but they have to be honest. Here is what they need to ask themselves:
At the end of the day, are you happier with him (or her) or without him?
Do you feel better about yourself when you are together or worse?
Do you feel stressed out when you are with him (or her)?
I know that seems so obvious, but it’s true. Does your boyfriend or girlfriend bring out the best in you? Think about it.

Another week and another celebrity husband has been caught cheating on his wife. It’s not a new story. Husbands cheat on their wives all of the time (and vice versa). So why are we so intrigued by the drama unfolding in the Woods’ household? Maybe we are curious how this all-American boy that we hold so high on a pedestal can fall from grace. He has it all: a beautiful wife and child, a lucrative career, anything that money can buy. The world is at his beck and call. Here is why we are all so curious -why would you risk everything to have an affair? Now, granted, we do not know what went on behind closed doors with this couple. And as a couple’s therapist, I will be the first one to tell you that appearances are often not what they seem when it comes to relationships. But I do know this: cheating is never a solution to your problems. Cheating is a way to give up on your relationship or marriage without putting in the effort to figure out what is going wrong. People who cheat will say things like, “I wasn’t getting what I needed from her, so I found it somewhere else.” They blame the other person in the relationship for their choices and actions. “If we had sex more often I would not have gone outside our marriage.” I just heard a quote today from a woman who is a lawyer and divorce mediator. She said, “A man is as faithful as his character is strong.” How true! There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Couples who have been married for any significant amount of time will tell you that each relationship has it’s ups and downs. So how will your guy behave in those down cycles? Does he possess that strong character? How will you even know? Take a look at his character now. You want to be with a man who:
1. Is an honest man in all areas of his life.
2. Talks to you respectfully when issues come up.
3. Does not have an attitude of “boys will be boys.”
4. Is not afraid to admit his mistakes.
5. You can trust without any doubt.
Don’t believe that all men are cheaters and don’t expect that it will happen to you. Have higher standards for yourself and your relationship! And remember, he may seem perfect. He may offer you a life that you have always dreamed of with a mansion in Orlando and a Cadillac Escalade in every color. But are all of those things worth it if you can’t count on him to do the right thing?

What are the reasons men and women cheat on their wife or significant other? Do you think that rich and famous men/women cheat for the same reasons that the average person cheats? What can we learn?

There was an article in this morning’s edition of USA Today about people going through with a marriage that they already know is a mistake. Our book is filled with stories of women who walked down the aisle with the wrong guy. Unfortunately, we know that this happens all the time. Our goal is to help women recognize these doubts and find the courage to get out. We know that it’s difficult to be the lone single friend in a world of couple friends. However–you really are better alone than with the wrong guy. (And guys are better off alone than with the wrong girl!) What’s worse is that if you remain stuck in a relationship with the wrong guy (or girl)—you’ll miss out on the right one. A happy and healthy relationship can be one of life’s greatest joys. A lovely woman who read our book was kind enough to share her story of her successful 40 year marriage. Don’t you think you deserve the same?

In your book and on this website, you ask for stories about marrying the wrong guy but I wanted to tell you about marrying the right guy.

My parents were married for 59 years. I loved them dearly. Earl’s parents divorced. I had great role models; he did not, but, together, we have managed to create a great marriage and a solid foundation for our children.

What a great story! What can you learn from this? You want to share your life with a person who brings out the best in you. A partner who encourages you to do your best and adds to your life, not subtracts from it.

Do you agree? Disagree? How does your relationship enhance your life? How has a previous relationship detracted from your life? We’d love to hear from you!