Staying stuck in an unhappy relationship is hard on your health. Staying with the wrong guy affects both your emotional AND  physical well being. Here’s an excerpt from an article we found on Yahoo.com today:

Bad Habit #8: Staying Too Long in an Unhealthy Relationship According to Howard Rankin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of The [...]]]>

Staying stuck in an unhappy relationship is hard on your health. Staying with the wrong guy affects both your emotional AND  physical well being. Here’s an excerpt from an article we found on Yahoo.com today:

Bad Habit #8: Staying Too Long in an Unhealthy Relationship
According to Howard Rankin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Rankin Center for Neuroscience and Integrative Health, a bad marriage or relationship can be as hard on you as any other damaging health choice. “The impact of a negative relationship goes beyond self-esteem, into the very body itself,” Dr. Rankin explains. “Under chronic stress, the immune system breaks down, leading to a whole host of diseases. A recent study of breast cancer patients showed that many women believed that their cancer was caused by stress. Technically, no one gets cancer because of stress. But what does happen is that the suppression of the immune system by prolonged stress makes it more likely that the body can’t fight off the cancer and creates an environment where cancer cells can grow.”

How can you get healthy and happy after years of being in a negative relationship? “It’s important to look at all the main relationships in your life and reevaluate which work for you and which don’t,” he says. If a decades-long friendship is the culprit, cut the ties. If it’s a boyfriend who treats you poorly, move on. “Recognize that detachment is always difficult but sometimes necessary, and stay focused on the realities of the situation.” One of the best ways to give yourself a boost of happiness—and health—when doing so is to remember that there are infinite possibilities for you out there.

There’s never been a better time to figure out why you are dating the wrong guy for the wrong reasons! Tap into your inner courage and let go of the wrong guy. The seasons are changing–why don’t you make a committment to change your life, too? (To read the entire article, click here.)

How do you know when it’s time to break up? And what if you regret leaving? If only there were a simple formula for figuring it all out. We believe that many answers can be found in the stories of women who have found the courage to walk away from a dead-end relationship. Their insights, [...]]]>

How do you know when it’s time to break up? And what if you regret leaving? If only there were a simple formula for figuring it all out. We believe that many answers can be found in the stories of women who have found the courage to walk away from a dead-end relationship. Their insights, observations and hard-won lessons can help you see your own life more clearly.  This  guest post from one of our favorite bloggers–Disaster on Heels–is so perfect, no further introduction is needed.

If I believed in signs I would have turned around two days into the drive. On my way to Chicago I hit blizzards in Flagstaff (wasn’t Arizona supposed to be desert?), tornados in Omaha, and ice storms in St. Louis.

When I graduated from grad school I nabbed a killer job with a San Francisco-based start up while my on-again off-again boyfriend of six years kept his job in the Windy City. Though this meant we’d be dating long distance, everyone (including my boyfriend) agreed this was an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up, and “if it was meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

So I moved to the Bay and despite frequent visits, ten months in I got the call that I feared most. “I am not moving to San Francisco,” he said. “And I don’t want a long distance relationship.”

I couldn’t breathe.  Suddenly, I was plagued by the fear that I’d look back at this moment when I was 50 and wonder if I’d let my husband slip away simply because I had decided to put my career first.  Plus I was about to turn 30. In Maine we have an expression for just such crossroads: “Fish, or cut bait.”

So I fished. I quit my job, secured a new one, and three weeks later, in the middle of February,  I was bound for Chicago in a Mini Cooper.

I think  I knew somewhere it was a mistake.  But it’s amazing how long it takes for the brain to understand what the gut instinctively feels. My arrival was marked by insignificance. I had left my friends in San Francisco in tears, with goodbye parties and promises of upcoming visits. When I arrived in Chicago, there was no celebration, no flowers, no welcome dinner. Just the 27 boxes I had FedExed to his apartment stacked in an otherwise empty dining room. Rather than ship everything back to San Francisco right then and there,  I shut the bathroom door and cried.

For the next month while I adjusted to my new job by day, I nested furiously by night. When the hollowness settled in I immersed myself in Craigslist. I was rejuvenated by bargains. I found hope in antique chests, joy in recycled lamps, and affirmation in hand-made coffee tables. With each new treasure I expected my boyfriend to smile, thank me and tell me how happy he was I was creating a home. But that never happened.

One day I decided our hallway needed color.  It took me three runs to Home Depot to find a paint color that my boyfriend and I agreed upon. We settled on a vibrant orange, which, I convinced myself, looked cheerful.

It was 10PM on a Tuesday by the time I started lining the panels with blue tape and carefully placing the sparrow stencils I’d picked up at a street fair in San Francisco.  While I was perched on the ladder my boyfriend looked up from the TV and said, “Just so you know, if this doesn’t work out with us, you’re going to have to paint it back.”

I let his words roll off me. He’d see what I was doing and love it. He’d be so impressed. For the next four nights I painted quietly while he watched TV.   My back hurt, I was exhausted, but when the paint had dried and I peeled off the blue tape, I was proud of what I had done. It was beautiful, and it was ours.

“It tells a story,” I told my boyfriend, walking him down the hallway and showing him the birds. “See? It starts with one gold bird in the first panel and then as you go down the wall the flock of grey birds gets bigger. But in the last panel the gold bird is back in front. Get it? It’s about transcendence.”

“Cool,” my boyfriend said, and then headed towards the kitchen.

I lived with those birds for three more months, but eventually orange paint and antique lamps weren’t enough to keep the walls of our relationship from crumbling. I knew I had no choice but to leave. I took everything I had brought into that apartment, down to the drawer liners, but I could not take my painted birds. I cried as I walked down the hall, out of my apartment and into the darkness of the months that followed.

I didn’t see my ex for the next six months. I had envisioned the day we would inevitably bump into each other and the scenario played out differently each time in my mind. In one version I’d play it cool, say “hi” and keep walking. In another I’d beat him with my purse and stab him with a tube of lip gloss. But what actually played out exceeded even my best fantasy.

We ran into each other at a party hosted by a mutual friend, and my sister saw him first. She put down her cocktail, stared at me from across the room and lipped “OH MY GOD.” She rushed over and told me we could leave at any moment and asked me what I needed, but I turned to her coolly and said, “I’m fine.” To my surprise, I wasn’t even faking it.

He hovered like a vulture. He kept swooping in to try to talk to me and pick a fight. He wanted to see me upset. He was after tears, but he wouldn’t get them.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I’m good.”

“We should probably talk.”

“Why? I don’t think we need to. I’m happy.”

“I thought you’d be back in California by now.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not that easy.  Are you still in the apartment?”

“Yeah. But it looks a lot different now. I painted over the birds.”

He looked older, worn, and anxious, and he smelled like cigarettes.   Looking at him I felt no nostalgia, no regret, just relief that he was no longer my problem to deal with.  I felt the freedom of release, and the current of my future sweeping me up from below.  And in that moment I knew: the gold bird was me. And that, he could not paint over.

“Disaster on Heels” lives in Chicago. If you liked this post (how could you not?), you can friend her on facebook, follow her on twitter, or subscribe to her blog. You won’t regret it. Just like she doesn’t regret leaving her boyfriend.

We are writing an article about the challenges of breaking up with a nice guy. He’s nice, you like him, but something is missing. Will you share your story? (all info will be kept confidential and we won’t post your comments here on our blog–all comments have to be approved before they go “live”–we will [...]]]>

We are writing an article about the challenges of breaking up with a nice guy. He’s nice, you like him, but something is missing. Will you share your story? (all info will be kept confidential and we won’t post your comments here on our blog–all comments have to be approved before they go “live”–we will just gather the data via the comments ) We will post a link to the finished article here and on yourtango.com. Your answers can be as long or short as you want! Please answer the following:

Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?

What was missing in the relationship?

Why did you break up?

Did you regret breaking up? Why or why not?

What did you gain by ending the relationship?

Any advice to share with other women who are remaining in a relationship with a nice guy that is not right for them?

Thanks for your help! Anne and Jen

As you leave high school and head off to college, it’s important to remember that college is a “whole new ballgame” when it comes to dating.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

We asked recent college grads to share their advice [...]]]>

As you leave high school and head off to college, it’s important to remember that college is a “whole new ballgame” when it comes to dating.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

We asked recent college grads to share their advice for incoming freshmen girls on what to do, what NOT to do, and what to watch out for as they start college:

Alcohol + guys = regrets the next day. ALWAYS!

College is a time to find yourself and learn more about yourself.    Make sure to make good friends before even starting to look for a boyfriend.  They will be able to help you and be there for you when you have relationship problems.

Be careful at the frat houses! The boys can be very sleazy and they can talk just as much as girls. You will develop a reputation really quickly after “shacking up” at the frat houses.

Enter college single! And stay single! At least for the first year. It is important to establish a solid group of friends (male and female) and despite what you may think, being in a relationship definitely impairs that ability.

If you have a boyfriend and are going away to school and so is he, then you have to really trust him.  If you have any doubt, then break up with him.  You can always still talk to him and stay in touch, but date around and have fun.  I do not think the beginning of college (freshman and sophomore year) is a good time to have a serious relationship.  If you are going away to college and your boyfriend is staying in town, watch out.  He may be bored and overly needy.  It is time for you to make friends and meet new people.  You might need to leave him behind.

Sex is a big deal and even more so for girls than guys.  Even if you think it won’t affect you, it will.  Sex will not make a boy like you more nor will it make him stay with you. So many of my friends have had sex just for the attention from guys.  In they end they wonder why the guy doesn’t like them or want to date them.  Challenge a boy.  Make him wait and see you as more than something just “sexual.”  Show yourself that you deserve better than a guy who is just looking for a hook up.

Focus on yourself and your studies and don’t worry about finding a guy, because as soon as you’re not trying, that’s when you will find someone. Also, any freshmen guy you meet is 9 times out of 10 not ready to be in a committed relationship with ANYONE so don’t take it personally if he doesn’t want to be with you.

Once you begin having sex, future relationships are likely to advance physically much more quickly.  Be careful not to lower your standards in this respect simply because the territory is no longer unknown.

Sex does not make a boy like you, and you should never think you have to have sex to get a guy back.

Remember that most of the people you meet in college are taking advantage of the newfound freedom associated with the college lifestyle.  Don’t feel pressured to do things you’re uncomfortable with just because others are excited about doing it.  I would also encourage girls who are entering college to spend some time getting to know themselves in this new setting before they consider looking for a romantic relationship

This is unfiltered, unedited and uncensored advice from the graduating class of 2010. Learn from their mistakes so you don’t have to the same ones. Knowledge is power. If you are aware of the pitfalls, you will have a better chance for a happier and healthier college experience.

Now it’s your turn: What mistakes did you make? What would you advise incoming freshmen girls? We’d love to hear your thoughts!

We received this great comment from one our blog readers and thought it was worth reposting. Our book is filled with stories like hers. It is really hard to fix a marriage that is wrong from the start. All the women that shared their stories of doomed-from-the start relationships and/or marriages were willing to revisit [...]]]>

We received this great comment from one our blog readers and thought it was worth reposting. Our book is filled with stories like hers. It is really hard to fix a marriage that is wrong from the start. All the women that shared their stories of doomed-from-the start relationships and/or marriages were willing to revisit painful memories in the hopes of helping other women. And for any guys who are reading this—all of this advice can help you, too. It is the exact same advice for men. Live and learn:

I am one of those women that married the wrong guy and knew it. Somehow, I would have hoped that this book would have came out sooner. Your book is so on point about listening to yourself. But most importantly trusting yourself. Its quite sad that now a days there are so many books out there where the focus is to stay in relationships; but there is little about moving forward and ending the wrong kind of relationships. And you are very right, if it starts off badly, then it will continue to become worse. That is exactly what happened with my marriage. No amount of counseling or “reasoning” could fix the problems. There where some really big red flags that I ignored. The problems didn’t start after the marriage. There where always there. I never paid attention to them. It wasn’t until I was married that I realized he was irresponsible, couldn’t balance his budget, hold a job for longer then three months at a time, he didn’t know the meaning of saving. After the first year of marriage, things became abusive. I have been divorced for close to seven years. I am happier and healthier. As painful as that experience was for me; I have learned what I want from my relationships. No, it hasn’t been easy but I would rather NOT settle for Mr. Okay for Now. And that’s another thing; too many time women settle for Mr. Okay for Now instead of holding out for the right guy.

We couldnt have said it any better ourselves! Thanks for sharing your story!

Thanks for stopping by our website and our blog. If you are here, we suspect that you are having doubts about your boyfriend (or girlfriend). That is why we created this website and wrote [...]]]> Deep down, you probably already know the answer–but we can help you find the courage you need to take the next step.

Thanks for stopping by our website and our blog. If you are here, we suspect that you are having doubts about your boyfriend (or girlfriend). That is why we created this website and wrote our book –to help women evaluate their doubts and find the courage they need to get “unstuck” from the wrong guy. We have  spent years gathering the stories of hundreds of women who dated and/or eventually married the wrong guys. Here are some things we uncovered in our research that you might find helpful:

Every woman we talked to who opted to stay in a relationship with guy that she knew was wrong for her regretted it. Ditto for the woman who got married against her better judgment

Every woman who ended the relationship with the wrong guy or called off the wedding DID NOT regret it. Not one!

It can be more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy than with an obvious liar, addict or cheater.

Gut feelings can manifest as anxiety, depression, chronic stress, nightmares, a voice, migraines…the list goes on

Problems do not get better with time, they get worse. They just do. Trust us on this one.

We estimate that 3 out of every 10 divorced women knew their marriage was a mistake on their wedding day!

Our advice applies to men, too.

While the background and circumstances of every relationship differ, the reasons for staying with the wrong guy do not.  Our book, HOW NOT TO MARRY THE WRONG GUY is filled with thought-provoking questions and helpful strategies that address:

The Reasons – Whether it’s because they are afraid of being alone, afraid that no one better will come along, or because they are convinced that the situation will improve, women often stay when they want to get out.

The Signs – Red flags, that voice in your head and instinctive reactions may all be telling you to let go of your current guy. Learn how to recognize, tune in and pay attention to those signs that are trying to guide you.

The Feelings – Cold feet or pre-wedding jitters?  It can be hard to distinguish the difference between the desire to marry “the one” or the desire to “get married.”

The Break-Up – Age, hurt feelings, settling, divorce, financial fears are all objections that might keep you from ending a relationship. Put these objections aside; hurting yourself to avoid hurting someone else temporarily is rarely the right answer.

The Right Guy – Words of wisdom from those who have found the right guy and made it work. Decide what qualities you do want in a partner and stick to them.

Whether you are engaged, in a serious relationship or looking for Mr. Right, Our book will help you decide to either take the plunge or run in the opposite direction.

What’s our number one piece of advice? Pay attention to your gut feelings. If you have any questions, please feel to contact us via the website. You can also follow us on twitter or become a fan on Facebook. WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU!  Thanks so much. Anne and Jen

My coauthor Jennifer and I have made it our mission to help women  unstuck from the wrong guys. It can be a little uncomfortable to recognize your own mistakes in the stories of others…but we remind women that they are never going to meet the right guy–their half orange–if they are stuck in a relationship [...]]]>

My coauthor Jennifer and I have made it our mission to help women  unstuck from the wrong guys. It can be a little uncomfortable to recognize your own mistakes in the stories of others…but we remind women that they are never going to meet the right guy–their half orange–if they are stuck in a relationship with the wrong guy.  After we have their attention they always ask us:

“So How do I find the right guy?”

Our answer?  Read Amy Spencer’s book: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match.

We love Amy’s upbeat, positive approach to dating that doesn’t require a woman to change everything about herself to meet a man…or to settle. We are thrilled to have Amy sharing some of her upbeat advice as a guest blogger today!

How to Find the Right Guy After Not Marrying the Wrong One

By Amy Spencer

I thought about marrying a few of the guys I dated, but thank heavens I didn’t. Because by turning away those wrong guys, I ended up with the right one in a very happy marriage.

I credit my choice to a switcheroo in attitude that led me to write my new book Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match. What the heck is a half-orange, you ask? It’s based on the Spanish phrase mi media naranja, which translates as “my half-orange” but has come to mean “my sweetheart, my perfect other half.” And we all deserve one.

That’s why I’m so in love with the idea of Anne Milford and Jennifer Gauvain’s new book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy. Because in order to find your right half-orange, you have to be willing to let the wrong guy go, and their book offers wonderful insight to help you break free. Before you’re ready to let go of that wrong one guy, of course, you need a strategy to find the right one. That’s where dating optimism—which is based in neuroscience and positive psychology—comes in. It led me straight to my husband, and it can lead you to yours.

I think the reason many of us stay stuck in relationships that don’t make us shine is that we picture the alternative: Being alone, on our own, with no man in sight. I felt that numbing panic when I was single until I realized this: “I can go on living as a scared, anxious woman, or I can be the happy, fulfilled, brave woman now who I want to be in a great relationship later!” That was my turning point, and it can be yours: By being your happiest, most authentic self, you will create an energy around you that will draw the right person to you naturally.

Here’s my best trick to jump start your dating optimism and find your half-orange in love: Look at the list you’ve been using all these years about what kind of man you want—where he’s “handsome,” “funny” and has a “good relationship with his family.” Now, take that list and toss it! Because by putting all that focus on what you want in a man, you take the control out of your own hands. Instead of listing what you want in a guy, list how you want to feel in a relationship.

For example, instead of “handsome, ask for “A relationship in which I feel madly attracted to my partner.” And instead of “funny” ask for “A relationship where we laugh our patooties off together.” In other words, stop looking at him and start looking into yourself. How do you want to feel in your perfect relationship? Your half-orange wants you to feel happy, pretty, smart, excited, loved, fulfilled and inspired. I think you should give yourself a chance to feel all that, too, and more.

Brilliant, isnt it? Let Jen and I  show you how to avoid the wrong guy, and Amy can help you bring in the right guy! To read more from Amy, visit her blog, TheDatingOptimist.com And if you were wondering how I got unstuck from the wrong guy–and how I found my half-orange– you can get the whole scoop on that story, too!

We totally get (and respect) the fact that not every woman on the planet intends to be a mom.  We also totally get the fact that you don’t need a man, merely his “donation” to get pregnant and raise a baby in this new world.  However, if your life’s intention is to find a man, [...]]]>

We totally get (and respect) the fact that not every woman on the planet intends to be a mom.  We also totally get the fact that you don’t need a man, merely his “donation” to get pregnant and raise a baby in this new world.  However, if your life’s intention is to find a man, marry said man and procreate with said man, we have some thoughts to share.  It seemed appropriate to have such a conversation with you given that Father’s Day is less than a week away!

When we ask twenty-somethings to describe the most important qualities they are looking for in a man, we get these typical responses:

• Someone who is attractive, someone you have physical chemistry with
• Ambitious
• Has a good sense of humor
• Respectful to others
• Honest

You know the typical list.  Having such a list will hopefully offer clues about his character.  But we would encourage you to add one more quality to your list:

• WILL BE A GOOD FATHER TO OUR CHILDREN

We know it’s hard to look that far out into the future, especially if you are in the romantic fog of a new relationship, engagement or wedding planning.  But this is a really important question you should ask yourself:  What kind of dad will he be?

• Will he be the kind of dad who runs to Walgreen’s at 2 am for Pedialyte so you can stay with a sick child?
• Will he clean up barf from the hallway when your toddler just couldn’t make it to the bathroom?
• How do you think he would handle a dinner table filled with noisy children and spilled milk?
• What is his patience factor?
• Is he a workaholic who will most likely miss events like Little League and Scouts?

Are you OK with any or all of the above?  If not, then try to imagine what your life will look like in all of the chaos which will fall squarely on your shoulders.  Now try to paint a different picture.  Same scenarios, same chaos, but with someone who will be there to support you, to weather the storms with you, who will still find you sexy with no make-up and a jelly-stained t-shirt!  A man who you can count on, who will have snowball fights in the back yard with your children, who will take the time out of their busy schedule and sit at a swim meet for three hours even though your kid comes in last place in every event, cheering them on as though they are competing for a gold medal. How about a guy who can cradle a baby in his arms and sing silly songs to help them get to sleep.  Are you  with a guy like this?  Do you want to be with a guy like this?  If not, what is stopping you?

We’ve talked to hundreds of women who said “I do” when they really wanted to scream “no, no, I don’t!”  Why do they go through with it? There are a lot of reasons. Here are a few samples from our interviews: