It’s no secret-breaking up is hard to do.  You’ve cried yourself to sleep more times than you can count.  You’ve eaten enough Ben & Jerry’s chunky monkey that you had to go out and buy a pair of “mom” jeans with the elastic waistband.  You’ve screamed, you’ve purged pictures and mementos and now it’s time to get back out there and try it all over again.  And you are dreading every minute of it.

Several years ago I counseled a wonderful young woman named “Lisa.”  She was  smart, pretty, funny and her soul was completely crushed following the news that her husband of five years (and high school sweetheart) had cheated on her and was leaving her for the “other woman.”  In one evening she learned that the life she thought she had was actually a hoax played out by her husband.  He was the only man she ever loved, the only man she shared herself intimately with.  When he left, he not only took her pride and trust but he took her self -confidence as well.  She showed up on my couch angry, depressed, and completely hopeless about her future.  In a matter of a few short weeks, she built an emotional fortress around herself that would isolate her and protect her from the hurt and pain that she feared she would never recover from.  “I’m damaged goods now.  Who would ever want to be with me?”  Lisa was grieving and it was almost impossible for her to even give attention to reclaiming the parts of herself that she thought she had lost for good.

After several months of therapy, a small dosage of an antidepressant and a much deserved vacation, Lisa slowly began to tear down those fortress walls.  She changed her hair style, started to exercise and eat better and started getting out.  Her guard was still up and the fear of being hurt again plagued her from being completely open to the possibilities of meeting someone new.  But she decided to give it a try.  The challenge for her, once she decided to get back to the land of the living, was that life , specifically dating life, had changed drastically since she had first dated.  She hated the bar scene but all of her friends wanted her to go to their favorite hang outs.  She was not a drinker and quite honestly did not want to be with someone who liked to party.  She decided to get savvy with internet dating and even joined Facebook as a way to reconnect with old friends.  Ultimately she decided this was not the way she wanted to meet people, either.  We talked about ways she could stretch herself and think outside of the box.  What lessons had she learned from her previous relationship?  How would she now define what she truly wanted and needed in a relationship?  She stopped wasting time going to bars to meet guys and went out because she wanted to be out with people she cared about.  She put energy back into herself and stopped focusing on “when will my prince show up?”  She joined a running club for singles who were not just interested in hooking up but shared a passion for a healthy lifestyle.  She learned to love herself again.  She reclaimed her self -confidence and put a new energy into how she approached the world and she let go of the past.  She stopped making assumptions about every man she met and stopped comparing them to her ex.  The fortress officially came down even though she knew there was a possibility that her heart could be broken, again.

Guess what?  As soon as Lisa made this shift, she started to randomly meet new and interesting men.  They weren’t all datable, but she never imagined she would have so many choices and experiences.  She is holding out for Mr. Right and does not plan on settling for anyone.  As far as I know, Lisa is still happily single.  She got back in the dating saddle but she has learned that it’s about the ride and not about riding off into the sunset.

What do you think? Feeling jitters about dating again after a painful breakup? We’d love to hear from you.

Anne & Jen

With June wedding season around the corner, we always get lots of emails and questions from nervous brides-to-be about differentiating between cold feet and jitters. “Is he the right guy for me?” “Is this normal?” or, “I am so confused, what should I do?” Here’s an excerpt from How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is he the one or should you run? that sheds a little light on this subject.  (Keep in mind that you can apply some of this advice to your relationship–even if you are NOT engaged. Pay attention to whether or not your concerns and doubts revolve around your boyfriend’s behavior–instead of other temporary stressors–like a vacation, illness, job change etc. that can impact your relationship . Hope this helps!

What’s the Verdict: Cold Feet or Jitters?

Whenever we talk about a woman having doubts about her pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms” jitters” or  “cold feet”. They use the terms interchangeably.  “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms have cold feet before their wedding.” We beg to differ. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake. We decided to look at the official definitions of these terms for ourselves and settle the debate once and for all.

According to the American Heritage Dictionary:

Jitters are defined as nervousness; a feeling of fright or uneasiness.

Cold feet is a slang term that means fearfulness or timidity preventing the completion of a course of action.

By definition, cold feet is more specific as it relates to taking (or not taking) an action. Having the jitters means an overall sense of nervousness.

So how do you know if what you have is just normal pre-wedding jitters or if that frozen feeling in your feet is really trying to get you to run in the other direction?

If you are feeling nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues etc.) you have jitters.

If you are feeling nervous or scared because you have questions about the relationship itself, then yes, you have cold feet.

Jitters

Most brides will tell you that they experience a bit of nervousness leading up to their wedding day:

• Will the florist show up on time?
• Will I stumble over my vows and embarrass myself?
• Will I cry?
• Will I faint at the altar?
• Will my little brother/aunt/uncle/cousin embarrass me at the wedding?
• Will the best man bring his new stripper girlfriend to the reception?
• And so on . . .

All are common concerns about the wedding and reception. These are planning issues, temporary concerns that revolve around the actual event itself, not the relationship.

Change Can Be a Source of Jitters

Jitters also can stem from the tremendous change that is about to occur in your life. Going from single to married is a significant life change that should be met with some trepidation or fear. Just like the old quote says. “Living alone is like magic; all of your bad habits disappear.” It’s hard to give up your own space. As a single woman, you have the luxury of leaving your dirty clothes on the floor without being scolded. You only have to worry about feeding yourself. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.  You can hang a picture without having a two hour discussion about where to put it! Another way to better understand jitters is to look at other jitter-inducing events outside the context of marriage, events such as:

• A new job
• A completely different haircut
• College graduation
• A party where you don’t know anyone
• A new puppy
• A start-up business

Just thinking about some of these things might make you nervous or fearful, but typically we face the fear and make a decision about whether or not we want to proceed. Without the issues of romance clouding our judgment, it’s easier to make a decision — and sometimes that decision is a simple NO.

Cold Feet

Cold feet mean that you have doubts about a pending action or transaction. Brides aren’t the only ones who experience cold feet. Investors get cold feet. Home and car buyers get them, too. Cold feet before the wedding means that you are having reservations about getting married. Unfortunately, it’s a lot easier to be cool and analytical about buying a house or car. When love and loneliness get thrown in the mix, that’s where the trouble begins. When your feet feel cold — no matter what the circumstances — you need to pay attention. Any of the following thoughts about your pending marriage should be cause for concern:

• I feel like I am settling for him.
• I don’t like how he treats me.
• I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
• I don’t think he is going to be a good husband.
• I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
• If I don’t marry him, I will never find anyone else.

These thoughts revolve around the relationship, not the wedding ceremony or reception. These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored. Agree or disagree? Any cold feet stories of your own? More questions? Leave a comment or contact us via our website! Anne and Jen

Did you know that 3 out of 10 divorced women will tell you that they knew they were marrying the wrong guy as they were walking down the aisle? Really? YES!

That’s why we’ve teamed up with our friends from “I do, Now I don’t”  to help women acknowledge their cold feet, pay attention to their gut feelings and find the courage to call off a doomed-from-the-start marriage. Whether you are dating the wrong guy…or ready to walk down the aisle with the wrong groom, we are here to help. We are going to offer some fun giveaways, deliver great advice, and eliminate all of the excuses that lead to an eventual date with a divorce attorney. (like: what do I do with my wedding ring or dress if I call off the wedding?)

Just to keep it fair, Cold Feet Week is for the guys, too. And you don’t have to be engaged to participate either. Far too many men and women are dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Cold Feet Week is sure to stir up lots of wedding jitters–and that’s a good thing because no matter what you are feeling about your relationship or pending marriage–you need to figure out whether you are simply nervous–or having doubts about the relationship itself. Stay tuned! It is going to be a lot of fun. Don’t hesitate to send us your questions via this blog or contact us on our Facebook  pages. (I do Now I don’t and How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy) We’d be happy to make an accurate diagnosis–cold feet or just jitters? Stay tuned!!!!

It was 5 p.m. on a warm Sunday in July and my fiance was scolding me for being late. He was upset that I was not going to have time to pack our picnic dinner for the concert that night. He stood there in a bathrobe, unshaved and unshowered, after a full day spent in front of the television. Time slowed while I reflected on my day of travel: two hours in the car to the Orlando airport, rental car return, baggage check, tedious tram ride and the cattle call for the wide-body L-1011 aircraft jam-packed with 250 passengers. Then the whole process in reverse when I arrived in Chicago, including an hour in traffic getting back to his house. (Note to self: Don’t most couples in love pick each other up at the airport?) I can still picture him lecturing me about how I “would never have time to go to the store and get what we need for dinner.” The whole situation was so crazy that I didn’t bother to mention three key things that seemed to escape him: There are no stores at 35,000 feet; there was nothing I could have done to make the plane fly faster; and what the hell had he been doing all day?
I once heard a therapist use the analogy of a beach ball. She said your problems are like a beach ball that you keep trying to hold under water. You can try to ignore them, but eventually those problems, just like a beach ball, are going to pop up out of the water. This was the day that my beach ball finally popped out of the water. Five days later, I called off the engagement and moved back home. It was the Fourth of July — Independence Day.

When I was 28, I became engaged to a man who was completely and utterly wrong for me. For reasons that remain unclear, I fully participated in a relationship that was doomed from the start, contrary to all my gut feelings, and covered with red flags. Fortunately, I found the courage to call off the wedding before I got myself into a bigger mess.
After I called off the wedding, I moved back to my hometown, found a new job, and got an apartment. My sweet friends were worried about me and went out of their way to make sure I was doing okay. While I felt somewhat embarrassed by my poor judgment, I was so happy to be free that my joy at being back home and out of that unhealthy relationship outweighed any shame or sadness. The hardest part was facing up to the situation and making the tough call to get out.

As I talked to other women about my unfortunate engagement, I started hearing the same comments over and over. First, I was surprised by the number of women who admitted they wished they had the courage to call off their own wedding. I even had several women (and men!) admit to short-lived first marriages that no one knew about. I also began to see a pattern develop as they started to ask me the same questions about my relationship. What were the signs? How did I feel? How did I have the courage to call it off? How did my fiance react? I quickly realized that in many cases, they were really questioning their own relationship or pending marriage. After a while, I had mentally catalogued a collection of personal stories about doomed-from-the-start marriages and faced another gut feeling — this needs to be a book. As a freelance writer, an avid reader, and a person who spends hours in bookstores and libraries, I couldn’t help but notice shelves filled with rows and rows of books about how to plan a successful wedding. Countless books promise to help women “hook a man,” or “find your soulmate in thirty days.” It drove me crazy to see some of these books — women are so much smarter than this! They deserve better. What they really need is a book that helps them step back and evaluate what they want and need in their relationship.
I could have used such a book; it would have saved me a lot of heartache. That’s when I had my epiphany. Who better to tell you how to extricate yourself from a dead-end relationship than a woman who has done time in one? No one is better informed about unhealthy relationships than a woman who has learned the hard way. That was it! I realized that my experience of calling off a wedding could really help other women. And I could uncover what a woman needs to know about marrying the right guy by talking to women who had married the wrong one! So I set out to find answers to the following:

• Why do women stay in relationships that they know are all wrong for them?
• Why do smart, talented, successful, worthy women consciously get engaged to the wrong guy?
• Why do they walk down that aisle even though they already know it is a mistake?

The first step was finding women to interview. Each woman I talked to had to meet one standard prior to being interviewed: Did she know she was making a mistake BEFORE she walked down the aisle? That way I knew I would be interviewing women who:
1. Settled for a ho-hum (or even destructive), less-than-fulfilling relationship, and then . . .
2. Went through with her wedding even though she knew it was a mistake.

It didn’t take long to find the first 30 women who fit the profile. I sent out a mass e-mail to my friends, relatives, neighbors, and colleagues explaining this project along with a questionnaire. I got a big response and started receiving completed questionnaires or e-mails indicating that a person was willing to be interviewed. I got even more responses from those I sent the e-mails to saying they knew someone who fit the criteria, but were afraid to contact them for fear of prying or being insensitive. The amazing thing is that I didn’t have to travel more than a few “degrees of separation” to find qualified candidates to interview. This told me I was on to something. In all cases, these women agreed to revisit these very personal and often painful memories to help someone else. Every single woman said something to the effect of, “If I can help prevent someone else from making the same mistake, it is worth reliving these painful memories.”

At this point in the research, I had the great fortune to begin my collaboration with Jennifer K. Gauvain, MSW, LCSW. Jennifer is a licensed therapist whose primary focus is helping couples and families. With over 15 years’ experience in private practice, she helped me interpret the stories I gathered and address the issues revealed by those who forged ahead with a mistaken marriage.
After conducting the interviews and poring over the data, something remarkable occurred. No matter what the women’s background, age, education level, or religious affiliation, they all gave startlingly similar reasons for why they remained in their unfulfilling relationship or went ahead with a mistaken marriage. While they were very different in many ways, they all echoed the same advice: “Listen to your gut,” or “Pay attention to that little voice inside of you.” They talked about their gut feelings over and over so we decided to look further into this concept of gut feelings.
Jennifer and I also decided to track down women who did listen to their gut — women who had canceled a wedding and ended a dead-end relationship. When we set out to find them, something interesting occurred as well. We quickly realized that it was much harder to find women who had called off a wedding. And many people that we did find ultimately declined to speak about this time in their life. They did not want to “go there” again and dredge up all of those painful memories. It took us a while, but we eventually conducted interviews and again found common themes and patterns in their stories. The difference was that they were somehow able to dial in to their inner wisdom and find the courage to act on these feelings. They called it off.

By presenting real-life stories, coupled with research and professional insight, we hope that a potential bride who is headed down the aisle to disaster will recognize herself in one of these stories and stop short before she makes a life-altering mistake. We also want to reach the woman who is enmeshed in an unhappy relationship simply because she doesn’t want to be alone. As one woman said about her 26-year-old assistant, “I wish I could bottle up all the feelings I had during my mistaken marriage and give them to her so she could see where she is headed in her own unhealthy relationship. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about how wrong her fiance is for her but she doesn’t want to ‘waste the six years’ invested in the relationship!”

The good news is that everyone in this book went on to a happy and fulfilling Act II — after they ended their marriage or engagement. It wasn’t the lonely and dismal future they envisioned when they were in the middle of the storm. By sharing these real stories, we hope to spare others the anguish, guilt, and sadness of a failed marriage.

We also hope that someone who is in a potentially unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship identifies what it is she is really looking for and establishes a way to find it. As Robert Frost eloquently said, “The best way out is always through.” The stories found in our book are true. Our hope is that by reading them, a part of you will recognize yourself and be triggered to act. This is your opportunity to finally listen to what you already know is true. Through these stories, you will find your way out.
-From How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, Is he the one or should you run? (Broadway/Random House)

Did you call off a wedding? Do you wish you had? Were you a runaway bride? Leave a comment  below (no story required–but we’d love to hear yours if you have one!) to enter our book giveaway! Anne and Jen

Just wanted to thank you again for your lovely book.  I’ve moved on from my verbally abusive relationship which I had tried so hard to figure out how to fix.  He was controlling, we didn’t mesh sexually, he was mean and I think we were both pretty bored.  I even thought we could try working on it while living separately; lots of people don’t live together before they marry, and work things out!

I do not regret that the relationship ended.  I am much happier, calmer, more joyful and able to do more of the things I enjoy.  My new apartment is amazing.  I post a gratitude note every Monday about what I’ve loved about my last week.

I see it will be a while before I”m really ready to date again, but someday I will.  The hardest bit now is the occasional feeling (still) that somehow it could have worked (and then I look back and remember how hard I worked and how awful I’d felt!), and that we have one set of friends in common who aren’t good about matching their actions to their words that they still value my friendship (and hang out with him a lot.)  I’m working to tie a bow on that friendship and put it away as well.  I learned so much about how I want to be treated, and if someone doesn’t match that, well, forget them!

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Are you struggling to find the courage to leave a relationship? Hopefully this “happy ending” will supply the extra boost of motivation you need to let go. Anne & Jen

Too many women convince themselves to proceed with a questionable marriage by using divorce as their escape route. They say, “I’ll just get a divorce if it doesn’t work out.” What they don’t realize is that a divorce isn’t that easy — even when you’re the one who serves the papers.

Divorce is never easy. It’s painful for the husband, it’s painful for the wife, and it’s painful for any children involved. Divorce affects everyone around you. That’s not to say that you won’t recover and move on. However, we wish that more women could find the courage to get out BEFORE they walk down the aisle.

If there are problems with your relationship that you know are beyond repair — don’t get married. If you do, chances are almost 100 percent that you will have a troubled, unhappy marriage.

Marriage counseling and therapy won’t fix a marriage that is wrong from the start

I just knew the marriage could not work. I knew that marriage counseling would not work. There was nothing to “save.” I went to a convention and I shook off the shackles [of my unhappy marriage] and felt enlightened, alive, and confident. I had not felt this way in so long! I took off my ring and declared myself free. I came home and he was crying. I told him I was moving in with my parents. How could this marriage possibly work when he was either screaming at me or crying? My parents did not understand why the marriage was over. I was ashamed to tell them the real reasons I was leaving. I didn’t want to tell them about his drug and drinking habits. I didn’t want to talk about his anger and depression. I really didn’t want to tell them that I knew the marriage was a mistake in the first place! How could an educated person like me be so dumb? I felt like my mom did not trust me; she was resentful. She was upset our marriage was breaking up. She kept asking me, “When are you going back home?”  When I packed up, I had sobbing fits; I finally told my mom the truth. I was overcome with shame. I just decided: “Let’s get on with this.” It was very painful

I was tired of trying to be someone I wasn’t. I wanted him to grow up. I left. I only took half of our belongings. I left a lot behind. I found an apartment all by myself — it was the first time in my life I was all alone. It was really, really hard. I cried for weeks. What was I crying for? I had an aching pain that I could nothing about. I had given eight years of my life to this relationship — all for nothing. I was angry with myself for being blind to who he really was, even though it had been in front of me the whole time. I blamed myself for a lot of It — I had failed at marriage.

The pain and sense of failure is hard to imagine — until it’s your life and your divorce

I was so unhappy. I was such an overachiever I was ashamed to admit I was getting a divorce. I could not sleep and would take a Sominex and have a light beer every night in order to sleep. I avoided my friends. My dad finally called and said I have a lawyer for you. At that point, I realized my husband had hidden all of the assets.

How could I — a strong, independent woman let myself get into this position? I had a long haul to forgive myself. It was hard to look back and believe that was me.

I felt a lot of self-hate over the divorce. I felt like a failure. I tried to never think about it.

Wouldn’t you rather deal with a breakup or a canceled wedding than any of the above?  If you find yourself saying “….we can always get a divorce” it’s time to sit up, take charge and find the courage to end your relationship. Talk to a trusted friend, an advisor, a therapist—anyone who can help you tap into the courage you need to get out. We know it is always easier said than done. But you CAN do it. Here is some final advice from women who have been there:

Listen to your gut instincts. Where does your true happiness lie? Pay attention to those red flags. Remember, when you’re in the bottom of the barrel, you can’t see the top. Cut your losses, move on, and don’t throw good years away. I had feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness. My poor self-esteem got me into trouble, into the mess I found myself in. If I had been more secure, I would have never gone through with the wedding. You must be able to support yourself and live on your own. Do not be afraid to do this!

Never use marriage as a crutch for your issues, family problems, tragedies or even pregnancy.  If you are having second thoughts, listen to your intuition.  Talk to family members and friends who can see the relationship from the outside. They may have a better perspective.

Don’t get caught in the trap of “When I marry him, I’ll change him.” And don’t think that fatherhood will change him for the better, because it won’t. If you suspect he won’t be a very good father, you are probably right. Do not marry him because he will not change.

Do I wish I could do it all over again differently? Sure. I wish I would have waited for true love like I have now. My (current) husband is my best friend, lover, partner, confidant and father to my children. My ex-husband married the 15-year-old baby-sitter and had two kids with her. He is almost 50 years old and is still an asshole to me, his children and now his new wife. If your gut says run — you must run! No matter what, you must listen to your gut. It knows you better than you know yourself. It’s your internal warning siren!

Does this sound familiar? Did you learn this lesson the hard way? We’d love to hear your questions and your advice. Anne and Jen

Several weeks ago we asked the question:

Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?

We received so many great insights and answers we wanted to share your wisdom. So with no further introduction from us, listen and learn from women who have been there:

I have broken up with both kinds of guy, “nice” and “mean” and it is much harder to break up with the “nice” one. I ended a 9 month relationship 2 weeks ago with a great guy, smart, kind, funny, affectionate, but for a while I had felt something was missing and saw some red flags, hot and cold, judgmental, resentments towards his mother. I let them go for awhile but couldn’t ignore my intuition anymore. As much as i wanted him to be the “one” i know he is not, it hurts and it’s hard not to think about what “could have” been. But i know that more is possible for me now and that the right guy is now even closer!!!

I was seeing a real nice, smart, successful guy a month ago. At first, I was attracted to him. On paper, he was perfect but there was no zsa zsa zuu (as Carrie Bradshaw would put it). I WANTED to like him, but I didn’t feel that strong connection and more importantly, I didn’t feel the butterflies. And the worst thing about it was that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. I had to let him go though, I wasn’t going to lead him on and have him thinking that I felt the same way as he did when I really didn’t. It was really hard to do it because how do you tell someone that there’s nothing wrong with them but you don’t feel anything for them. But eventually I did it and I know he’ll have no trouble finding someone who will feel for him the way I couldn’t.

I’m actually in a relationship with a nice guy right now that I’ve been questioning. I really like him and he seems to be everything I want but sometimes I just wonder if he’s really the right guy for me. If he wasn’t nice, it would be a no brainer. I’d just move on. I think it’s harder with a nice guy because you feel like you need a reason and it’s hard to find one other than “this just doesn’t feel right”. If it’s obvious they’re really into you, it’s even harder because you don’t want to hurt them. I’d much rather have a guy be a jerk to me so I could simply say “I deserve better than you!”

Here is an in-depth response that might give you the push you need to break up with the wrong, nice guy:

*Do you think it was more difficult to end a relationship with a nice guy versus a not-so-nice guy?

Absolutely! Especially if everyone around you thinks he is great. We’re raised to believe if the guy has done nothing wrong, is nice enough and wants to stick around, he deserves a chance. Otherwise there is something wrong with you or you are too picky, which leads one to a feeling of hopelessness and inaction. We’re trained to consider everyone else’s feelings but our own. Plus you feel like you risk looking like a big jerk leaving someone who is so nice to you.

*What was missing in the relationship? There was a mismatch of values, and/or the guy really wasn’t so ‘nice’ deep down after all.

* Why did you break up? I was just too miserable to keep it going. I knew it was time to get out when he had to drag me “ring” shopping and I went into a gut wrenching panic attack. I ended up using one of our value mismatches and turned into a really big deal so I had a reason, an excuse to break up.

* Did you regret breaking up? Why or why not? No!!! It was the best thing I ever did. I only wish I had done it much, much sooner. Even when I saw him a couple of years later and was reminded of all the good things, I did not feel one bit of regret because I was in a happy awesome relationship…with someone else.

* What did you gain by ending the relationship? An awesome relationship with someone else, hope, freedom, happiness, travel and adventure (he was holding me back in many ways), a graduate degree and best of all I got myself back.

* Any advice to share with other women who are remaining in a relationship with a nice guy that is not right for them?
Rip it off like a band-aid. It will NEVER be the right time to break up. There will always be something; his birthday, a holiday, something sweet he’s done, he’s having a bad day or a good day, etc… Face it, you are going to ruin his day no matter what you do. He will get over it. Men don’t care if it’s our birthday or Christmas or if we’re feeling low. When they want out, they get out…immediately. They don’t mince words and neither should you. He is not a baby; he knew the risks going in and accepted them. It’s not your job to do him any favors. It’s your job to ensure your own happiness. You can never get back the time you waste holding off the break up. And if you fear not finding someone else, don’t. You WILL find someone else, and they will be BETTER.

Thanks again to all the ladies who responded to our questions! We really appreciate your input. And if  you are currently struggling with the decision to break-up with a nice guy, we hope this helps. If you disagree, or have further comment, we’d love to hear from you! Anne and Jen

Wouldn’t it be great to have a crystal ball? A glimpse into the future might be all you need to guide your choice of a husband. Most of us wouldn’t really want to see our entire future all at once. Events such as car accidents or illnesses are particularly scary because there’s nothing we can do to stop them. The choice of husband, however, is something over which you have complete control. Our crystal ball can show you what your future marriage will look like. And in all cases here, a poor choice led to some pretty scary stuff.

Since we have no crystal ball, we offer you the next best thing: true stories. This post is filled with real-life tales from women who ignored the signs and refused to look into the future. Their boyfriends gave them a glimpse of what their future married life would be like. If only they had paid closer attention to their fiance’s day-to-day behavior before the wedding. They ignored the ominous signs. They did not call off their weddings. They now realize that they should have.

Let’s look into the day-to-day lives of women in mistaken marriages. It’s not pretty. We’ve got infidelity, sexually transmitted diseases, sex with the 15-year-old baby sitter, lying, drugs, and a repossessed car. That reads just like a country- and-western song doesn’t it? Well it’s not. Let’s look again at our crystal ball and see what it is like to be married to the wrong guy.

This charming groom invited his girlfriend to the wedding

He would disappear for hours. He had a girlfriend. Our money started disappearing as well. He and his girlfriend were doing a lot of cocaine, which I also found out after we were married. This same girlfriend was also at our wedding! I didn’t know that until a mutual friend told me after the fact. I also got a venereal disease thanks to their sex life.

You know it’s bad when you see widowhood as the solution to your marital problems

We only had sex once or twice a month. He had a lot of mother issues. I started fantasizing about early widowhood! I became pregnant and he was demoted due to a messy office and tardiness. Our car got repossessed. Our bills were piling up and not getting paid. I wondered what was going on . . . women, gambling or drugs. I confronted him and he admitted his salary was cut. I was still thinking I was going to be able to stay home with the baby. How naïve! His boss had given him every opportunity to fix things, but two months later he was fired.  I had to go back to work and he took care of the baby. He was as good a dad as he knew how to be. I came home one day and found him sacked out on the couch and the baby in the swing. I videotaped it. We ended up buying a business ninety miles away. He moved up there and I remained in our home and kept my job. We had a commuter marriage. I was so happy to be alone with my son.

I remember right before my wedding my fiance was going on a business trip to Puerto Rico. On a slightly-below-conscious level I remember thinking, I hope his plane crashes. That will solve all my problems. How sick is that?!

Throughout my first marriage I avoided coming home. A woman I worked with shared with me that the afternoon she came home from work and her husband’s car was in the driveway (meaning he had returned from a trip early), and she wasn’t happy about that, was the day she decided to get a divorce. Somewhere along the line, as I was hoping I would answer the door and there would be nice policeman there to tell me my husband was dead. You would have thought I would have known how unhappy I was!

Self-medicated, stoned, and playing video games is no way to go through life

After our wedding, he was in a lot of debt and I helped him get out of it. He was a foreman on a construction crew. He stayed in the same job; he had no ambition. He was constantly smoking pot. I wanted to help fix his problems. After two years I finally got hit by a bolt of lightning. I realized that he had cut off all his friendships and was playing video games constantly. He had no independent activities. He was self-medicating and withdrew into himself — constantly stoned. He got on Prozac. It was either rage or nothingness.

What’s it like to live with a compulsive liar?

After a couple of years, we were essentially roommates. We lived like brother and sister. He had always been a liar and at this point he was really forcing my hand with the lying. He bought a truck and some guns behind my back. He lied about how he got them and what he paid. He told me he traded things for them. I told him, “You don’t know what you’re lying about, where truth ends and lies begin.” I also had a dream to be a teacher, and he did not want me to do this. He was pulling me down. I couldn’t pursue my own dream. I wondered, “Why am I living with a man who treats me so poorly?” He would hang out with people I didn’t even know in our own driveway, and he kept showing up with new vehicles. I decided we should separate for a while and he readily agreed. We called it a separation, but I knew it would be over. It was just a really hard line to cross. By this time I was 26 and he was 32. I wanted to see what he would do if I left. He was developing other relationships with women, all in their early 20s. He was into cars, girls, and guns. Soon after I left, he moved a young woman who had a small child into our house. It was painful to see my home “taken over” by someone since I had never had a real home before this one. I went back there to get my things and found evidence of a young child.  Pictures on the refrigerator — things like this. I went cold — I had seen all the signs. It was really the most painful time in my life. He told me about all the times he had been with her. It was awful.

You know it’s bad when you catch your husband sleeping with your babysitter

Throughout our marriage he was a real jerk. He was verbally and physically abusive. When we returned from our honeymoon, the honeymoon was really over. He would not help with any of the household chores, wouldn’t even pick his plate up from the table. He would go out and party with his friends when he was supposed to be home, or when he was supposed to meet up with me he would be several hours late. He had three different affairs within the 10 years of our marriage and denied them all, even when I had hard facts. He was a lazy, bald-headed, dishonest jerk who I had wasted 18 years of my life with. The final straw to my divorce was when I found out he had been sleeping with the 15-year-old babysitter for the previous two years of our marriage. I asked him to give her up because we had a two-year-old daughter. He said no.

Broke down and broke on the side of the highway — not romantic

He was in the military and we had to move across the country. We had a truck, a van and a Harley but no money for a hotel. We slept in rest stops along the way. When we were down to our last $10, he got a flat tire 20 miles from our destination. I had to stay in the truck, for hours, and, I felt rather explosive by time we were rescued. I decided to get cleaned up and took the last $10 to have dinner by myself. I went to a little steak house — there was a women’s Bible study/meeting there. I felt like God was sending me encouragement, peace, and hope. Right then and there, I decided I hated the way things were going and decided to head home to determine whether this marriage was the right thing . . .  or not.

Cheating, drinking, lying, and unemployed; that’s something Tammy Wynette would sing about

He was having a very public affair. Everyone was aware of it and talking about it. I could no longer pretend. There was so much else going on though. He was drinking too much, and he had had nine jobs in the 12 years we were married. He had also been unemployed several times. Life was tough even before I knew about the affair. I filed for divorce once and he came back very hard core again. He said to me: “How can you do this to our children and not give it one more try?” He always knew what to say to get me to cave. He then proceeded to have another affair with a girl 20 years younger. Then I was ready. It was a big paradigm shift for me. I truly believed I would never be divorced – that I would never do that to my children.

Even a strong, successful woman can be driven to depression in an unhappy marriage

I found myself sitting in closets just to be close to something (he refused to hold me). My family got me to a counselor and they helped me see how bad this relationship was. I learned later that he tried to make me miserable so that I would leave him. Instead, I almost had an emotional breakdown trying to become who he wanted . . . I couldn’t face failure. With the help of counseling, I became stronger. I had gotten my MBA and was successful in my career. I realized he was holding me back, not professionally, but personally. I also realized we were in huge debt (the true extent was not known until during the divorce).

How to become a mother before you have kids

I definitely took a “mothering role” as I paid all of the bills, made most of the big decisions, etc. I was too strong for him and later on, I realized that I needed a partner, not a child. We had broken up at one point and when we got back together, somehow we decided to get married. We lived together for five years and were married for three. But for the last year he had moved back to Argentina and I was living in the U.S. We finally broke the marriage off when we started talking about having children and he immediately wanted to move back to Argentina to do this. This was never something we had talked about. It was shocking to me, since we had spent the past seven years together in the U.S. building a life. I moved to Argentina for a couple of months and then realized without my support group of friends and family, this was a hollow relationship.

Keeping up with the Joneses can be exhausting and expensive

I was so tired of his sarcastic humor with me and our sons. It was mean-spirited. He was obsessed with “keeping up with the Joneses.” He always had conflicts with neighbors so we kept moving. He never wanted to go out and do things. He had difficulty with all of his jobs and was always blaming people. He was sort of stuck in his career. He was never going to follow a managerial track — there was just too much conflict.

Merry Christmas — your husband is sleeping with his secretary

At the office Christmas party, one of his coworkers pulled me aside and said to me. “You are a really nice person . . . I just wanted you to know that he and his secretary are fooling around.” That was horrible.

The joy of your child’s first birthday party spoiled by your cheating spouse

I wanted to make my marriage work; we had only been married a short time and I didn’t want to seem like I failed. I suspected he was cheating. We went through counseling. He worked on his temper (not very well) and I tried to understand how not to push his buttons. I thought about leaving but then found out I was pregnant. So we stayed together. Having my son made me realize I needed to find that happy girl I used to be so that I could be a good mom. I went back to counseling by myself. Counseling helped me regain some of my self-confidence and realize it was ok to stand up for myself and my son. Being a mom showed me strength that I didn’t know I had. Still, I didn’t want to leave until I had hard proof that he was cheating on me. I searched for it. I checked his pager for strange numbers, smelled his shirts when he came home, checked up on him all the time. Finally, at my son’s first birthday party, an acquaintance took me aside and told me she couldn’t lie to me anymore. She filled me in on a time that my husband came to her house early in the morning telling her and her boyfriend that if his wife (me) asks, he spent the night at their house. She told me all about some girl he met. I was relieved. I finally had the “proof” I was looking for. I acted like nothing happened and went back to the party after I told my mom I would be moving back home. I waited about a week so he wouldn’t know who said anything to me and moved out while he was at work for fear of what he would do.

No one should live with an abusive man

He abused me from the day we got married. I put up with it, because I didn’t want to be a failure. He had a girlfriend. He persecuted my political and religious beliefs. I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore when I saw my son start to treat me with disrespect —the same way he had seen his father treat me.

Five years is a long time to be miserable

After five years, he was still finding fault with me and everything I did. The poor quality of my housework was a constant topic. One day, I had done my usual thorough Saturday cleaning, working my buns off. He came in and found some dust on top of one of the doors. He berated me, as usual. I’d had all I could stand and I slapped him. I had never laid a hand on another human being in anger since I was a toddler and didn’t know any better. He slapped me back. Shortly after that day, my little sister came out to the farm on one of her rare visits. She was in nurse’s training and practiced the active listening skills that she had learned. I cried for what seems now like three hours straight. I told her how miserable I was, how I had called Mom twice and told her how unhappy I was, but Mom had said that if I could just hang in there for five years, everything would be all right, that I would get used to it. Well, it had been over five years. Everything wasn’t all right. I wasn’t used to it. I told my husband that I wanted a separation. He was unhappy about that and asked me to give him another six months. I did, but things hadn’t changed by the end of the six months. I talked to him again and he agreed: I was going to go stay with my parents (they didn’t know this) until I got an apartment. We had everything all settled. I was packing a suitcase. He left the house. Unbeknownst to me, he went next door and told his parents and brother that I was leaving. His entire family got into their car and drove next door to our house and blocked the carport so that I couldn’t get our car out (my husband was going to keep our truck). They wouldn’t let me leave. They told me that I was insane. They finally threatened to call my parents. I defiantly told them to go ahead, my heart leaping with hope. Thankfully, my parents drove out to the farm and rescued me.

Twenty-eight years is even longer

I fought with my ex from the moment we were married to the divorce. I never shared that with anyone because he didn’t beat me, etc. I convinced myself that there were worse things than fighting. Why I didn’t heed the signs before the marriage and certainly during the marriage I will never quite figure out. All of our money was spent on him: cars, hobbies, lame projects, alcohol, and cigarettes. As we grew older his “family tapes” came alive. (He replayed the behaviors of the dysfunctional family he had grown up in.) We were always in serious conflict about his responses to our kids’ adolescent activities. (two boys, two girls, and each two years apart). What I allowed him to do to our children and our family was a travesty. For 28 years I looked for something else – I didn’t know what – just something else. I did this by achieving degrees, buying clothes, joining organizations, and getting therapy. Fortunately, therapy and drugs have taken me a long way.

Did you marry the wrong guy? Or are you afraid you are about to marry the wrong guy? We’d love to hear your story or help you figure out what you need to do next! All comments are kept confidential~ Anne & Jen

Lied to you

Belittled you

Forgot your birthday

Drank too much

Preferred the company of other friends to you

Did not make an effort to spend time with you

Does this ring a bell for you? Would you maintain a friendship like this? Would you end the friendship? Sadly, too many women set the bar higher for their friendships than their romantic relationships. Why do you think women do this? Have you ever done this? Any advice? We’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. We will share your comments (confidentially–no names, no details) in an upcoming post.   Thanks. Anne and Jen