How do you know when it’s time to break up?

It never fails. And usually they want us to give them a very specific list of conditions that must be met in order to pull the plug. It’s almost as if they need someone else to give them permission to break up. We’ve all been there. Struggling with doubts. Wondering what we really want. Questioning whether or not we are hanging on to a relationship because we don’t want to be alone…or afraid that no one else is going to come along.  While we can’t tell you what to do, we can point out that the fact you are even asking whether you should breakup is a pretty good sign that you might need to rethink your current relationship and move on. But no one else can make up your mind for you: you have to decide.

Here are 4 questions to ask yourself to help you know whether it is time to break up:

1. Do you bring out the best or worst in one another? Are you a type A person and he is more laid back? Are you kind of a messy person and he is extremely neat? Are you social and he is not? Just because you have major differences like these doesn’t mean your relationship won’t work. But if you find yourself constantly pushing him to be more organized, efficient and methodical—and all you do is fight. That is NOT bringing out the best—it’s nagging and conflict. If this dominates your relationship and you feel picked on, criticized or the need to constantly mother him…well, it might be time to move on.

2. When you think about your relationship do you feel anxious or peaceful? Are you always walking on eggshells? Are you constantly fretting about your relationship, where you stand, what the future holds….? If so, it’s not a good sign. Work backwards and try to pinpoint the reasons why you feel this way. This can help you uncover the areas of stress and concern. For example, your boyfriend is always getting in fights with people around him—his neighbors, coworkers, family etc.  If so, you’ll realize that anxiety you feel might be stemming from his anger issues or short temper. And if you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, making excuses, justifying his behavior to your friends…..then stay.

3. Have you repeatedly thought of breaking up and then talked yourself out of it? Think about why you have stayed. This will help you identify the specific reasons and you can take an honest look at whether they are valid reasons. For example, you didn’t want to break up because you didn’t think anyone better would come along. Or you were afraid to be alone. Neither are good (or fair) reasons to stay with someone.

4. If you could walk away with no repercussions, negative feelings, financial implications, doubts, difficult conversations or regrets, would you? This will pretty much tell you all you need to know.

Breaking up IS hard to do. But as we always say, if you are stuck in a relationship with the wrong person, you might miss out when the right person comes along. Are there any other questions that you think might help you make your decision about whether to break up? Do you agree or disagree? We’d love to hear from you! Anne & Jen

Last month I wrote an article for HuffPost Divorce about my research that revealed 30% of divorced women knew they were marrying the wrong guy on their wedding day. This statistic triggered much consternation and denial. After wading through hundreds of comments bashing the institution of marriage, doubts about my methodology, and nasty remarks about women, men and relationships in general, it appears everyone missed the point.

So let me put it another way: Have you ever talked yourself into a decision that you already knew was the wrong one? Of course you have. We all do. Have you ever taken a job that you knew in your gut wasn’t a good fit for you? (Totally ignored the weird vibes from your new boss? Assured yourself you could learn to be “detail oriented and good with numbers.”) What about buying that car that you really couldn’t afford? (A $600-a -month car payment on a thirty thousand dollar a year salary — yeah, right.) Or maybe you agreed to split the rent with your slovenly college friend in order to afford a nicer apartment. (Shut your eyes and hope she had magically changed into someone neat and tidy.) And what about the third donut you ate for breakfast this morning? (The little voice in your head promised: “I’ll go for a run after work.”)

We can rationalize anything. But when we talk ourselves into dating the wrong guy or girl — that’s where the potential for lifelong heartache begins. So after hearing one too many clients admit that had doubts about their relationship long before the wedding — the therapist in me wondered what I could do to change that. (And yes, men do it too — but I’ll get to that later.)

I want to clarify that the doubts were not the garden-variety nerves that typically accompany any life-changing decision. They weren’t just “cold feet” or “wedding day jitters.” Rather, the women in my study talked about issues, concerns, doubts and other red flags that existed throughout the course of their relationship. Not just on their wedding day. The problem was that they had brushed their concerns aside. Instead of facing up to the red flags or exploring their gut feelings — they squelched them and stayed in the relationship anyway.

My goal was to uncover the reasons why so many women make this mistake. If we understand why they stay in a relationship with the wrong guy, or go through with a doomed-from-the-start marriage, perhaps we can help them figure out what they are really searching for. Not to mention sidestep a miserable marriage and an eventual court date with the divorce attorney! Based on my research, here are the five most common reasons cited for marrying the wrong guy:

1. We’ve dated for so long I don’t want to waste all the time we have invested in the relationship.
2. I don’t want to be alone.
3. He’ll change after we get married.
4. It is too late, too embarrassing and/or too expensive to call off the wedding
5. He is a really nice guy; I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I must elaborate on number five. It is really hard to break up with a nice guy. Unlike the enraged commenters who suggest women are “evil gold-diggers determined to destroy their fiancé’s lives,” most women I talked to did consider their betrothed and his feelings. It’s often easier to break up with cheater or a liar (although far too many women don’t do that when they should either!) But when it comes to nice guys, it can be hard to figure out why you aren’t happy together. The reality is, he may be a solid, good guy on his own. But as a couple, the equation does not add up. The idea of “two becoming one” should not equal instant discomfort. However, when the relationship is solid and true, there is very little doubt, internal conflict or questions. And for the naysayers, I saidvery little doubt; I did not say no doubt whatsoever. I encourage women (and men, too!) to be very specific about the source of their concerns. Write them down — articulate them. Consider how the relationship might look ten years in the future. And if none of that helps I share a favorite quote from the author Mignon McLaughlin: “When ‘Why not do it?’ barely outweighs ‘Why do it?’ — don’t do it. “

And the million dollar question — why no men in this study? I chose to focus my research on divorced women. But I did talk to a lot of men along the way, too. And yes, men do talk themselves into marrying the wrong girl. What was interesting is that the men’s reasons for saying “I do” when they wanted to shout “I don’t” tended to be more “other-centered” than many of the women. They overwhelmingly cited a sense of duty, obligation and concern for their fiancé’s feelings as their reason for walking down the aisle anyway.

I do want to point out that these findings also apply to people who have never married, yet choose to stay in long-term, unproductive, sometimes soul-crushing relationships. They cite many of the same reasons: “I don’t want to be alone.” Or “We’ve invested a lot of time.” Or “I don’t think anyone better is going to come along.” These reasons don’t make for happy relationships — married or not.

And finally, a caveat for our gay friends. Now that they have the right to legally marry in some states, I hope they take heed and make sure they are marrying the right guy or girl for the right reasons.

So let this be a lesson to you. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, straight or gay, young or old, divorced, never married or never-want-to-get married-again. Don’t talk yourself into any relationship. Especially not for any of these reasons. Your future happiness depends on it.

It was the day she had dreamed about. Standing barefoot at sunset, “Joni” (a former client of mine whose name I have changed) stood looking at the man she was about to marry. She planned the perfect wedding–a fairytale. There was one hitch–as she looked into her future husband’s eyes, she had a pretty good idea that the marriage would not last.

Joni’s story was not unique. After years of working with women like her I was curious about why so many women stayed in relationships that were essentially doomed from the start. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I have spent more than 15 years working with women seeking guidance for relationship issues. The initial call usually involves a request to help with “communication skills” or “conflict management.” More often than not, as therapy progresses, they reveal that the problems started long before they walked down the aisle. And if they’re not married, they’ll admit that they already know he’s is not the right guy for them–yet they stay.

When I had a serendipitous meeting with a former runaway bride, we decided to write a book about this phenomenon. My coauthor’s story of her near-miss at the altar along with my clinical experience turned into a mission to find out why so many women walk down the aisle knowing they are making a mistake! We thought if we could help women recognize the excuses for dating–and ultimately marrying–the wrong guys, maybe we could help them find the courage to get out before it was too late.

We developed a survey and sent it to divorced women, with one qualifier: “Did you know you were making a mistake as you were walking down the aisle?”

We sent it to everyone we knew. Within days our inboxes were jammed. Eventually, close to 1000 women gave detailed accounts about why they knowingly dated and eventually married the wrong guys.

Amid a chorus of critics who shout “hindsight bias” or “selective memory,” I stand firm. If you take 10 divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three will confess they had serious doubts long before walking down the aisle. That’s the shocking truth for 30% of divorced women.

These women have very clear, distinct memories of the doubts, issues and concerns that existed in the relationship all along. They can also tell you exactly what they were feeling before they walked down the aisle. For example:

I was avoiding my dad’s eyes as I waited with him at the end of the aisle. I did not want to hear any “pearls of wisdom.” Instead I paid attention to the photographer. I simply could not look at my dad because I knew I was making a mistake.

I felt like I was dying a thousand deaths. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

By the time they made it to the ceremony, they felt it was too late to turn back. While their insides told them to run, their outsides marched down the aisle. They saw problems and ignored them. However, every single one of them put the blame for ignoring the problems and issues squarely on their own shoulders. The problem is not that their fiancé was a bad guy-the problem was that they ignored the problems!

Why would smart women do this? They cited many of the same reasons:

• Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder.
• “Marriage will instantly make the relationship better.”
• “It’s my last chance to get married and no one else will come along.”
• “If it doesn’t work out I can always get a divorce.”

You can be critical, point your finger and shake your head. Judgment aside, “these women” are your sisters, daughters, and friends. Maybe even you. Their common –yet misguided–belief is that they are better off with the wrong guy than being alone. It doesn’t matter how self-actualized, independent or liberal-minded they are.

So what’s the answer? When in doubt, don’t! Don’t let fears of being alone dictate a night out with someone you have nothing in common with. Don’t continue to date a man with whom you have zero chemistry. Chemistry matters. Don’t say “I do” because you have “invested too much time in the relationship” or it’s “the next logical step.” And absolutely don’t think that divorce can be used as an escape route without consequence. Divorce is not easy even when you are the one serving the papers. It’s expensive, painful and it affects everyone around you.

Just ask Joni. She saw the red flags and she ignored them. Her gut told her something was wrong but she tuned it out. She found out the hard way that being alone would have been a lot easier than marrying the wrong guy–especially as she starts the painful task of navigating a divorce. The moral of the story is pay attention to those red flags and gut feelings. If you do, you are guaranteed to have happier, healthier relationships. What a difference this would make in the divorce rate. As a therapist, I’d be thrilled.

However, within days of the breakup, the Kardashian spin machine kicked into high gear and put all the blame on Kris Humphries. Months later, after watching a few episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, it certainly looks like he was the WRONG GUY. And while we know that reality TV shows are not all that real, the words childish and immature seem to describe Kris pretty well. The real question is why did Kim ignore this and choose to marry him anyway? Sadly, it happens all the time.

That’s why were so grateful to have the opportunity to spend the day with a crew from ABC’s Nightline talking about why so many women go through with a marriage that they already know is not going to last. We are grateful for the two other women who were willing to share their stories that day. Hopefully this segment inspired a few runaway brides! To view our segment on Nightline, click the link below.

\”More Women are Saying \”I Do\” when they mean \”I Don\’t\”

It’s no secret-breaking up is hard to do.  You’ve cried yourself to sleep more times than you can count.  You’ve eaten enough Ben & Jerry’s chunky monkey that you had to go out and buy a pair of “mom” jeans with the elastic waistband.  You’ve screamed, you’ve purged pictures and mementos and now it’s time to get back out there and try it all over again.  And you are dreading every minute of it.

Several years ago I counseled a wonderful young woman named “Lisa.”  She was  smart, pretty, funny and her soul was completely crushed following the news that her husband of five years (and high school sweetheart) had cheated on her and was leaving her for the “other woman.”  In one evening she learned that the life she thought she had was actually a hoax played out by her husband.  He was the only man she ever loved, the only man she shared herself intimately with.  When he left, he not only took her pride and trust but he took her self -confidence as well.  She showed up on my couch angry, depressed, and completely hopeless about her future.  In a matter of a few short weeks, she built an emotional fortress around herself that would isolate her and protect her from the hurt and pain that she feared she would never recover from.  “I’m damaged goods now.  Who would ever want to be with me?”  Lisa was grieving and it was almost impossible for her to even give attention to reclaiming the parts of herself that she thought she had lost for good.

After several months of therapy, a small dosage of an antidepressant and a much deserved vacation, Lisa slowly began to tear down those fortress walls.  She changed her hair style, started to exercise and eat better and started getting out.  Her guard was still up and the fear of being hurt again plagued her from being completely open to the possibilities of meeting someone new.  But she decided to give it a try.  The challenge for her, once she decided to get back to the land of the living, was that life , specifically dating life, had changed drastically since she had first dated.  She hated the bar scene but all of her friends wanted her to go to their favorite hang outs.  She was not a drinker and quite honestly did not want to be with someone who liked to party.  She decided to get savvy with internet dating and even joined Facebook as a way to reconnect with old friends.  Ultimately she decided this was not the way she wanted to meet people, either.  We talked about ways she could stretch herself and think outside of the box.  What lessons had she learned from her previous relationship?  How would she now define what she truly wanted and needed in a relationship?  She stopped wasting time going to bars to meet guys and went out because she wanted to be out with people she cared about.  She put energy back into herself and stopped focusing on “when will my prince show up?”  She joined a running club for singles who were not just interested in hooking up but shared a passion for a healthy lifestyle.  She learned to love herself again.  She reclaimed her self -confidence and put a new energy into how she approached the world and she let go of the past.  She stopped making assumptions about every man she met and stopped comparing them to her ex.  The fortress officially came down even though she knew there was a possibility that her heart could be broken, again.

Guess what?  As soon as Lisa made this shift, she started to randomly meet new and interesting men.  They weren’t all datable, but she never imagined she would have so many choices and experiences.  She is holding out for Mr. Right and does not plan on settling for anyone.  As far as I know, Lisa is still happily single.  She got back in the dating saddle but she has learned that it’s about the ride and not about riding off into the sunset.

What do you think? Feeling jitters about dating again after a painful breakup? We’d love to hear from you.

Anne & Jen

With June wedding season around the corner, we always get lots of emails and questions from nervous brides-to-be about differentiating between cold feet and jitters. “Is he the right guy for me?” “Is this normal?” or, “I am so confused, what should I do?” Here’s an excerpt from How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is he the one or should you run? that sheds a little light on this subject.  (Keep in mind that you can apply some of this advice to your relationship–even if you are NOT engaged. Pay attention to whether or not your concerns and doubts revolve around your boyfriend’s behavior–instead of other temporary stressors–like a vacation, illness, job change etc. that can impact your relationship . Hope this helps!

What’s the Verdict: Cold Feet or Jitters?

Whenever we talk about a woman having doubts about her pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms” jitters” or  “cold feet”. They use the terms interchangeably.  “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms have cold feet before their wedding.” We beg to differ. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake. We decided to look at the official definitions of these terms for ourselves and settle the debate once and for all.

According to the American Heritage Dictionary:

Jitters are defined as nervousness; a feeling of fright or uneasiness.

Cold feet is a slang term that means fearfulness or timidity preventing the completion of a course of action.

By definition, cold feet is more specific as it relates to taking (or not taking) an action. Having the jitters means an overall sense of nervousness.

So how do you know if what you have is just normal pre-wedding jitters or if that frozen feeling in your feet is really trying to get you to run in the other direction?

If you are feeling nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues etc.) you have jitters.

If you are feeling nervous or scared because you have questions about the relationship itself, then yes, you have cold feet.

Jitters

Most brides will tell you that they experience a bit of nervousness leading up to their wedding day:

• Will the florist show up on time?
• Will I stumble over my vows and embarrass myself?
• Will I cry?
• Will I faint at the altar?
• Will my little brother/aunt/uncle/cousin embarrass me at the wedding?
• Will the best man bring his new stripper girlfriend to the reception?
• And so on . . .

All are common concerns about the wedding and reception. These are planning issues, temporary concerns that revolve around the actual event itself, not the relationship.

Change Can Be a Source of Jitters

Jitters also can stem from the tremendous change that is about to occur in your life. Going from single to married is a significant life change that should be met with some trepidation or fear. Just like the old quote says. “Living alone is like magic; all of your bad habits disappear.” It’s hard to give up your own space. As a single woman, you have the luxury of leaving your dirty clothes on the floor without being scolded. You only have to worry about feeding yourself. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.  You can hang a picture without having a two hour discussion about where to put it! Another way to better understand jitters is to look at other jitter-inducing events outside the context of marriage, events such as:

• A new job
• A completely different haircut
• College graduation
• A party where you don’t know anyone
• A new puppy
• A start-up business

Just thinking about some of these things might make you nervous or fearful, but typically we face the fear and make a decision about whether or not we want to proceed. Without the issues of romance clouding our judgment, it’s easier to make a decision — and sometimes that decision is a simple NO.

Cold Feet

Cold feet mean that you have doubts about a pending action or transaction. Brides aren’t the only ones who experience cold feet. Investors get cold feet. Home and car buyers get them, too. Cold feet before the wedding means that you are having reservations about getting married. Unfortunately, it’s a lot easier to be cool and analytical about buying a house or car. When love and loneliness get thrown in the mix, that’s where the trouble begins. When your feet feel cold — no matter what the circumstances — you need to pay attention. Any of the following thoughts about your pending marriage should be cause for concern:

• I feel like I am settling for him.
• I don’t like how he treats me.
• I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
• I don’t think he is going to be a good husband.
• I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
• If I don’t marry him, I will never find anyone else.

These thoughts revolve around the relationship, not the wedding ceremony or reception. These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored. Agree or disagree? Any cold feet stories of your own? More questions? Leave a comment or contact us via our website! Anne and Jen

Did you know that 3 out of 10 divorced women will tell you that they knew they were marrying the wrong guy as they were walking down the aisle? Really? YES!

That’s why we’ve teamed up with our friends from “I do, Now I don’t”  to help women acknowledge their cold feet, pay attention to their gut feelings and find the courage to call off a doomed-from-the-start marriage. Whether you are dating the wrong guy…or ready to walk down the aisle with the wrong groom, we are here to help. We are going to offer some fun giveaways, deliver great advice, and eliminate all of the excuses that lead to an eventual date with a divorce attorney. (like: what do I do with my wedding ring or dress if I call off the wedding?)

Just to keep it fair, Cold Feet Week is for the guys, too. And you don’t have to be engaged to participate either. Far too many men and women are dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Cold Feet Week is sure to stir up lots of wedding jitters–and that’s a good thing because no matter what you are feeling about your relationship or pending marriage–you need to figure out whether you are simply nervous–or having doubts about the relationship itself. Stay tuned! It is going to be a lot of fun. Don’t hesitate to send us your questions via this blog or contact us on our Facebook  pages. (I do Now I don’t and How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy) We’d be happy to make an accurate diagnosis–cold feet or just jitters? Stay tuned!!!!

It was 5 p.m. on a warm Sunday in July and my fiance was scolding me for being late. He was upset that I was not going to have time to pack our picnic dinner for the concert that night. He stood there in a bathrobe, unshaved and unshowered, after a full day spent in front of the television. Time slowed while I reflected on my day of travel: two hours in the car to the Orlando airport, rental car return, baggage check, tedious tram ride and the cattle call for the wide-body L-1011 aircraft jam-packed with 250 passengers. Then the whole process in reverse when I arrived in Chicago, including an hour in traffic getting back to his house. (Note to self: Don’t most couples in love pick each other up at the airport?) I can still picture him lecturing me about how I “would never have time to go to the store and get what we need for dinner.” The whole situation was so crazy that I didn’t bother to mention three key things that seemed to escape him: There are no stores at 35,000 feet; there was nothing I could have done to make the plane fly faster; and what the hell had he been doing all day?
I once heard a therapist use the analogy of a beach ball. She said your problems are like a beach ball that you keep trying to hold under water. You can try to ignore them, but eventually those problems, just like a beach ball, are going to pop up out of the water. This was the day that my beach ball finally popped out of the water. Five days later, I called off the engagement and moved back home. It was the Fourth of July — Independence Day.

When I was 28, I became engaged to a man who was completely and utterly wrong for me. For reasons that remain unclear, I fully participated in a relationship that was doomed from the start, contrary to all my gut feelings, and covered with red flags. Fortunately, I found the courage to call off the wedding before I got myself into a bigger mess.
After I called off the wedding, I moved back to my hometown, found a new job, and got an apartment. My sweet friends were worried about me and went out of their way to make sure I was doing okay. While I felt somewhat embarrassed by my poor judgment, I was so happy to be free that my joy at being back home and out of that unhealthy relationship outweighed any shame or sadness. The hardest part was facing up to the situation and making the tough call to get out.

As I talked to other women about my unfortunate engagement, I started hearing the same comments over and over. First, I was surprised by the number of women who admitted they wished they had the courage to call off their own wedding. I even had several women (and men!) admit to short-lived first marriages that no one knew about. I also began to see a pattern develop as they started to ask me the same questions about my relationship. What were the signs? How did I feel? How did I have the courage to call it off? How did my fiance react? I quickly realized that in many cases, they were really questioning their own relationship or pending marriage. After a while, I had mentally catalogued a collection of personal stories about doomed-from-the-start marriages and faced another gut feeling — this needs to be a book. As a freelance writer, an avid reader, and a person who spends hours in bookstores and libraries, I couldn’t help but notice shelves filled with rows and rows of books about how to plan a successful wedding. Countless books promise to help women “hook a man,” or “find your soulmate in thirty days.” It drove me crazy to see some of these books — women are so much smarter than this! They deserve better. What they really need is a book that helps them step back and evaluate what they want and need in their relationship.
I could have used such a book; it would have saved me a lot of heartache. That’s when I had my epiphany. Who better to tell you how to extricate yourself from a dead-end relationship than a woman who has done time in one? No one is better informed about unhealthy relationships than a woman who has learned the hard way. That was it! I realized that my experience of calling off a wedding could really help other women. And I could uncover what a woman needs to know about marrying the right guy by talking to women who had married the wrong one! So I set out to find answers to the following:

• Why do women stay in relationships that they know are all wrong for them?
• Why do smart, talented, successful, worthy women consciously get engaged to the wrong guy?
• Why do they walk down that aisle even though they already know it is a mistake?

The first step was finding women to interview. Each woman I talked to had to meet one standard prior to being interviewed: Did she know she was making a mistake BEFORE she walked down the aisle? That way I knew I would be interviewing women who:
1. Settled for a ho-hum (or even destructive), less-than-fulfilling relationship, and then . . .
2. Went through with her wedding even though she knew it was a mistake.

It didn’t take long to find the first 30 women who fit the profile. I sent out a mass e-mail to my friends, relatives, neighbors, and colleagues explaining this project along with a questionnaire. I got a big response and started receiving completed questionnaires or e-mails indicating that a person was willing to be interviewed. I got even more responses from those I sent the e-mails to saying they knew someone who fit the criteria, but were afraid to contact them for fear of prying or being insensitive. The amazing thing is that I didn’t have to travel more than a few “degrees of separation” to find qualified candidates to interview. This told me I was on to something. In all cases, these women agreed to revisit these very personal and often painful memories to help someone else. Every single woman said something to the effect of, “If I can help prevent someone else from making the same mistake, it is worth reliving these painful memories.”

At this point in the research, I had the great fortune to begin my collaboration with Jennifer K. Gauvain, MSW, LCSW. Jennifer is a licensed therapist whose primary focus is helping couples and families. With over 15 years’ experience in private practice, she helped me interpret the stories I gathered and address the issues revealed by those who forged ahead with a mistaken marriage.
After conducting the interviews and poring over the data, something remarkable occurred. No matter what the women’s background, age, education level, or religious affiliation, they all gave startlingly similar reasons for why they remained in their unfulfilling relationship or went ahead with a mistaken marriage. While they were very different in many ways, they all echoed the same advice: “Listen to your gut,” or “Pay attention to that little voice inside of you.” They talked about their gut feelings over and over so we decided to look further into this concept of gut feelings.
Jennifer and I also decided to track down women who did listen to their gut — women who had canceled a wedding and ended a dead-end relationship. When we set out to find them, something interesting occurred as well. We quickly realized that it was much harder to find women who had called off a wedding. And many people that we did find ultimately declined to speak about this time in their life. They did not want to “go there” again and dredge up all of those painful memories. It took us a while, but we eventually conducted interviews and again found common themes and patterns in their stories. The difference was that they were somehow able to dial in to their inner wisdom and find the courage to act on these feelings. They called it off.

By presenting real-life stories, coupled with research and professional insight, we hope that a potential bride who is headed down the aisle to disaster will recognize herself in one of these stories and stop short before she makes a life-altering mistake. We also want to reach the woman who is enmeshed in an unhappy relationship simply because she doesn’t want to be alone. As one woman said about her 26-year-old assistant, “I wish I could bottle up all the feelings I had during my mistaken marriage and give them to her so she could see where she is headed in her own unhealthy relationship. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about how wrong her fiance is for her but she doesn’t want to ‘waste the six years’ invested in the relationship!”

The good news is that everyone in this book went on to a happy and fulfilling Act II — after they ended their marriage or engagement. It wasn’t the lonely and dismal future they envisioned when they were in the middle of the storm. By sharing these real stories, we hope to spare others the anguish, guilt, and sadness of a failed marriage.

We also hope that someone who is in a potentially unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship identifies what it is she is really looking for and establishes a way to find it. As Robert Frost eloquently said, “The best way out is always through.” The stories found in our book are true. Our hope is that by reading them, a part of you will recognize yourself and be triggered to act. This is your opportunity to finally listen to what you already know is true. Through these stories, you will find your way out.
-From How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, Is he the one or should you run? (Broadway/Random House)

Did you call off a wedding? Do you wish you had? Were you a runaway bride? Leave a comment  below (no story required–but we’d love to hear yours if you have one!) to enter our book giveaway! Anne and Jen

Just wanted to thank you again for your lovely book.  I’ve moved on from my verbally abusive relationship which I had tried so hard to figure out how to fix.  He was controlling, we didn’t mesh sexually, he was mean and I think we were both pretty bored.  I even thought we could try working on it while living separately; lots of people don’t live together before they marry, and work things out!

I do not regret that the relationship ended.  I am much happier, calmer, more joyful and able to do more of the things I enjoy.  My new apartment is amazing.  I post a gratitude note every Monday about what I’ve loved about my last week.

I see it will be a while before I”m really ready to date again, but someday I will.  The hardest bit now is the occasional feeling (still) that somehow it could have worked (and then I look back and remember how hard I worked and how awful I’d felt!), and that we have one set of friends in common who aren’t good about matching their actions to their words that they still value my friendship (and hang out with him a lot.)  I’m working to tie a bow on that friendship and put it away as well.  I learned so much about how I want to be treated, and if someone doesn’t match that, well, forget them!

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Are you struggling to find the courage to leave a relationship? Hopefully this “happy ending” will supply the extra boost of motivation you need to let go. Anne & Jen